Flock

BACK ON DRY LAND, WE all pack up wordlessly as I try and grapple with what just happened.

I chose it. I wanted it. I can’t afford to regret it too deeply because if I do, I’ll be opening myself up to loathing, my own, for eternity.

Once both cars are packed, Dominic grips my hand pulling me to where he stands, his car idling. He looks down at me for a few tentative seconds before he kisses me, the result—rapture. I clutch him to me, and he takes his time, filling my mouth with his tongue, just as hungry as our first kiss, seeking, searching. It’s beautiful, this man’s kiss. It’s consuming and I can’t get enough. When he pulls away, he brushes my lips with rare affection, gets in his car, and drives away.

I peek over my shoulder to where Sean stands, eyes lowered, afraid to meet his gaze. I walk over to where he waits at his passenger door. Unable to handle it a second longer, I brave a glance at him and see…nothing but the same golden boy who picked me up hours before. My heart lifts instantly. I didn’t realize it had been so heavy. He stops me before I duck into the seat and leans over and presses the gentlest kiss to my mouth. When he pulls away, I feel the sting of tears.

“Don’t, baby. Just don’t. We’ll talk about it when you’re ready, but don’t do it.”

I nod in understanding, not having any clue how to follow that order. I feel a bit like an alien in my skin. That girl, what she did, I don’t even recognize her. I just let two men share me.

And I loved every minute of it.

The weight of that truth, I can never, ever erase.

And the part of me now awake and breathing within me doesn’t want to.

The drive home is silent, but Sean clutches my hand the whole way. I’m still battling myself and my decision, all the while glowing in the aftermath. He left the music on just low enough to hear me speak but remained silent, giving me the time I need while occasionally bringing the back of my hand to his lips.

Reeling, my body is tense, even though my core is sore and thoroughly sated, I can’t think of a single thing to say. And maybe there is nothing to say. His posture remains relaxed as he drives like he needs no assurances in my place with him, and I’m not sure I know what it is.

What are we?

That’s what I’m supposed to be analyzing, isn’t it? But it’s not my focus. Neither of them looked at me differently, at least not in the way I was predicting. The change I felt between us all after today is a far cry from the quenched curiosity I was expecting to feel. Their kisses after weren’t any different. If anything, I feel more co

Could this be real?

I’ve had sex, plenty of sex in high school, in monogamous relationships with boyfriends I swore loved me, cared for me, but later showed their true colors. All of the pain I assumed I felt when they’d ultimately rejected a future with me felt empty, meaningless, pale in comparison to any experience I’d had with them to the one I had today and to the possibilities of what’s next.

I study Sean as he punches in the gate code and the car slowly makes its way down the driveway.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he finally speaks up. He meets my stare. It’s full of the same surety Dominic kissed me with before he left.

They truly aren’t judging me, something about that eases a bit of the tension in my shoulders.

But why? Why aren’t they judging me? Why don’t they see me differently?

I remain mute as he parks and slides me over to him on the bench seat.

“Tell me anything.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Own it, fucking own it,” he says adamantly. “Own it and don’t let you or anyone else make you feel like it was wrong.” He presses a finger to my temple. “It’s going to take some time for you to make peace with it, but fucking own it, Cecelia.”

“It was…” I try to mask the shake in my voice.

“Incredible,” he answers for me. All I can do is nod. He chuckles at my expression. “I’m a bastard for saying it, but I see your mind is blown.”

He chuckles further at my scowl and pulls me into his lap. His hazel eyes twinkle with humor as he brushes the hair away from my neck. “If you’re wondering what happens now, the answer is we don’t know. Dom, me, or you. We don’t know what this will or won’t be. And that’s the fun part.”

“What if someone gets hurt?”

“Chance we have to take.”

“Why do I have a feeling that someone will be me?”

“I don’t want to… The way I feel about you, hurting you is the last thing I want. But if you’re debating on a choice, on choosing, I’m telling you right now you don’t have to. Unless you want to, and in that case, I hope it’s me.”

I blow out an exasperated breath, which only makes his smile grow.

“There’s a beauty to keeping a secret, Cecelia. But it can only remain one if you choose to guard it. Years from now, when you’re toasting with your friends during Sunday brunch, before the bitching commences, this secret can be the subtle smile that tilts those beautiful lips before you take your first sip of champagne. Everyone has them, but not many can keep them.”

He brushes my hair behind my shoulder before trailing his knuckles along my jaw. “It was beautiful watching you come undone, giving in to what you wanted. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dom so wrapped up in any woman.”

“Don’t…don’t say that.”

“Why?”

“Because if he feels anything…I want him to tell me himself.”

Sean nods, as if in perfect understanding.

“This is really okay with you?”

“You’re in my lap, looking at me like you want me, why the hell wouldn’t I be okay with that?”

“I don’t want to lose you,” I manage, my breath hitching, eyes watering.

“Cecelia, I swear to you, you will never lose me over this. Put that thought out of your mind. What happened doesn’t make my feelings for you any less real. I’m so fucking crazy about you.” A soft kiss, then another. “You gave me your trust today, and I need it.” He swallows. “There’s very little you could do at this point to get rid of me.”

“You are so…” I run my hands through his hair, “different.”

“That’s a good thing, right?” He nudges me on his lap and traces his lip ring with his tongue. “Whatever it is you want to do, do it right now.”

I lean down and mimic the movement of his tongue along the metal, and he exhales audibly and grips my neck, bringing our foreheads together.

“If you’re ever wondering what to do, that’s what you do. Whatever you fucking want, whenever you want, and you don’t apologize for it, not ever.”

“This is insane.”

“Welcome to my world,” he murmurs, before sealing me inside it with his kiss.

It’s been days of nothing but texts from Sean and not a word from Dominic, not that I expected any different. He’s practically a stranger.

However, now, an intimate one.

I cringe at the thought as I mentally crack a whip on my back.

I’ve been in a state of “what in the hell did I do?” and “please, my lords, may I have seconds?” for days and hiding in my house for the majority of it. I’ve been passing on Sean’s invitations, reading, swimming, talking on the phone with Christy—who I did not disclose the details of that day to. It’s my Sunday Brunch smile secret to keep—if I want to.

The more I question if I should tell her what happened, the more I try to think of words to explain it, how it felt…right, how letting myself go felt better than anything I’d ever come close to in the past. The longer I think about it, the more I know she wouldn’t understand.