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CHAPTER 24
Jermsen's thoughts were lost in a forlorn fog. The swamp was only there because it was beneath her feet, around her, above her, but her mind was in a more confused and tangled jumble than all the twisted things around her. So much of what she believed had turned out to be wrong. That meant that not only were many of her hopes lost, but her solutions, too.
Worse yet, Je
Through the tears she could hardly see her way. She moved almost blindly through the mire.
She stumbled at times, crawled when she fell, sobbing in racking agony when she paused, supported by the limb of an old, gnarled tree. It was like the day of her mother's murder all over again-the anguish, the confusion, the insanity of it all, the bitter despair-but this time for Althea's tortured life.
Staggering through the dense growth, Je
Jermsen wound her way through an area where steam rose from fissures. All about her, angry vapor bellowed as it was unleashed from underground in billowing clouds. She plodded past the stench of the boiling vents and back into the thick growth. Thorny bushes scratched her hands, broad leaves slashed at her face. Reaching a dark pool she vaguely remembered, Jermsen shuffled along the ledge, gripping rocks for handholds, weeping as she made her way along the brink. Rock crumbled and came away in her hand. She fought to keep her balance as she snatched for another handhold, catching on just in time to keep herself from falling.
She gazed over her shoulder, through blurry vision, at the dark expanse of water. Je
If she could just die there, on the spot, the impossible struggle would be over. The heartache and sorrow would be ended. Maybe, then, she could be with her mother and the other good spirits in the underworld.
She doubted, though, that the good spirits took people who murdered themselves. To take a life, except to defend life, was wrong. If Jermsen were to give up, all that her mother had done, all her sacrifices, would be for nothing. Her mother, waiting in eternity, might not forgive Je
Althea, too, had lost nearly everything to help her. How could Je
She felt, though, as if she had stolen Althea's chance at life. Despite what the woman had said, Je
What right had Je
So many people had tried to help her and paid a terrible price. Where had she ever gotten the idea that she could shackle others to her wishes? Why should they have to relinquish their lives and needs for hers? But how could she go on without their help?
Free of the ledge and deep pool, Je
The third time she fell, she hit her face so hard the pain stu
And then she felt anger.
Je
She recalled her mother's words: "Don't you ever wear a cloak of guilt because they are evil."
Je
It was the Lord Rahl who bore the responsibility for lives ruined.
Je
Would it never stop?
Grushdeva du kalt misht.
Sebastian was only the latest. Was he being tortured that very moment because of her? Was he paying with his life, too, for helping her?
Surrender.
Poor Sebastian. She felt a pang of longing for him. He had been so good to help her. So brave. So strong.
Tu vash misht. Tu vask misht. Grushdeva du kalt misht.
The voice, insistent, commanding, echoed around in her head, whispering the words that made no sense. She staggered to her feet. Could she never have her own life-not even her own mind? Must she always be pursued, by Lord Rahl, by the voice?
Je
She had to help Sebastian.
She was moving again, putting one foot in front of the other, pushing vines and leaves and branches aside, cutting through the underbrush. The thick mist and dense canopy of leaves made it dark as dusk. She had no idea how late in the day it was. It had taken a lot of time to reach Althea's place. She had been there a long time. For all Je
She had come for help, but that help had been an illusion invented in her own mind. She had relied on her mother her whole life, and then she had expected Althea to help her. She had to accept that it was up to her to do what was necessary to help herself.
Je
"No! Leave me alone!"
She was so very tired of it all. Now she was angry, too.
Je
But what then? How was she going to get him out? She had depended on Althea to help her with some kind of magic. Now she knew there could be no such help.
Panting from the effort of ru
Sebastian's life hung in the balance. Je
Halfway in, she remembered that she had promised herself that she was going to take a staff to help keep her balance when she returned through the open water. She paused, debating whether or not she should go back to cut a staff. Going back was just as far as going on, so she kept going. Feeling with her feet, she found a firm bottom of roots, real roots, and stepped carefully along them. Surprisingly, as long as she stayed on the roots the water came up only to her knees and she was able to hold up her skirts to keep them dry as she waded through the murky water.
Something bumped her leg. Je
Trying to get her balance, to regain her footing, Je
Darkness surrounded her. She saw a whirl of bubbles as she went under. Surprised, she kicked frantically, trying to find bottom, something, anything, to stop her descent. There was nothing. She was in deep water, weighted down by wet clothes. Rather than support her, now, her heavy boots dragged her under.
Je
It was all happening so shockingly fast. In spite of how she was trying to seize life, it was slipping through her fingers. It didn't seem real.
Je
Shapes moved closer around her. Her lungs aching for air, Althea said that no one could come through the swamp by the back way. There were beasts back here that would tear people apart. Je
She didn't want to die. She knew she had thought that she did, but she knew now that she didn't. It was her only life. Her precious life. She didn't want to lose it.
She tried to swim toward the surface, toward the light, but everything seemed so slow, so thick, so heavy.
Je
The voice sounded urgent.
Je
Something bumped her. She saw flashes of iridescent green.
It was the snake.
Could she, she would have screamed. Struggling, but unable to get away, she could only watch as the dark length of the thing underneath rolled up around her.
Jermsen was too exhausted to fight. Her lungs burned for air as she saw herself sinking down through the shafts of light, getting farther and farther from the surface, from life. She tried to swim to that light and air, but her leaden arms merely waved, like weed drifting in the water. It was surprising to her, since she could swim.
Je
Now, she was going to drown.
Dark coils surrounded her.