Garden of Sins

But I don’t give a damn about Carter right now because I’m in a hospital room with you, Caden.

The weight is off my shoulders right now. You sleep peacefully in bed and you’re being taken care of. I breathe a sigh of relief. Naturally, I knew it was not life-threatening, although, you can never be sure about head injuries. And since I couldn’t see you, I was nervous the entire time, unable to convince myself you were okay.

Now I finally see you and slowly walk toward the bed. My breathing calms and immediately adapts to yours.

You look so bad, baby. I hate this. Your face is partially blue and yellow and your lip is cracked in places. You have tape over your nose and your head is turned sideways because of the head injury. In that area, they shaved your hair and white tape extends over your scalp.

I hate this so much. You appear more fragile than I have ever seen you before and this vision of you pains me.

You’ve always seemed confident and superior, but now that you’re so broken and seeing you broken, I will never forgive Carter. My stomach contracts as I sit on the edge of your bed and gently run a hand through your black, messed-up hair. I don’t like that either. Your hair is never messy.

“Alayna, don’t pretend I’m dead,” I hear your hoarse voice murmur and jump. For a moment, my hand sticks in your hair, but then I continue. “And stop crying.”

Slowly, you open your turquoise eyes and I immediately search them. Something in them is different, but that can happen when you have almost been beaten to death by your own brother. God, I hate Carter now more than ever. I’m so glad I can look into your eyes that give me so much.

And I can see that smile that makes my heart beat faster.

You raise your scraped hand and wipe away my tears. I close my eyes, take your fingers and kiss them before I lower them into my lap and hold them. The wet dress sticks to me and my hair dries slowly, but I needed to see you without delay.

“I was so afraid for you,” I murmur, and gradually, the weight lifts from my shoulders, and peace steadily enters me the longer I gaze into your eyes.

“And I don’t deserve your kisses, Alayna.” Of course you think that after everything that happened today, but I can see past all that as long as you’re all right. And maybe you’re just on too many painkillers, Caden.

I’m afraid to touch you because you are injured everywhere. Just seeing them makes me hurt, physically and emotionally. I’d like to take them away and absorb them into me. You don’t deserve this, no matter how you’ve been acting lately.

“Don’t look at me like that, baby girl, it’s exactly what I deserved,” you say as if reading my mind again and I tilt my head questioningly.

“What are you talking about?” I ask hoarsely.

“I’m a bastard and he should have killed me, then you’d be rid of me.” I freeze for a moment when you say that, just the thought of it scares me. I can’t breathe for a moment, but I pull myself together for you. I don’t want you worrying about me.

“Caden,” I whisper emphatically and gently place my hand on your cheek. I simply must touch you. “Never say that again. My world is incomplete without you. I need you and I love you.” I stare at you so intensely that you finally understand.

“With me, your world is damn dark and you need the light, Alayna,” you answer just as hoarsely. Again, I freeze and slowly the burden returns to my shoulders. I take my hand from your face and examine you. I don’t like that, it sounds so final, and your look is so determined. What is happening here? What are you doing?

“Are you breaking up with me, Caden?” I choke out and notice my heart pounding faster and my throat constricting. That thought alone immobilizes me from the inside out.

You close your eyes briefly while I choke on the lump in my throat. God, I don’t want that. You can’t leave me. Or what is this? I can’t breathe, so I won’t say anything.

Finally, you open your eyes and look at me again. Your gaze is so clear and focused that it rips the rug out from under my feet. I know instinctively that it doesn’t matter what I say now because you have already decided. Again, my chest constricts as I stare at you, stu

“You would then be free, Alayna. The whole world would be at your feet, baby girl. You could meet a sweet, nice guy who puts you on a pedestal and does everything for you. You wouldn’t have to spend time with a bastard who pulls you down and uses you more and more. That’s what I do, Alayna. That’s what I always do. And I won’t stop until there’s nothing left of you. I can’t do that. I can’t do that to you. Not to you.”

I clutch your hand like I’m drowning. I’ve only just gotten to know you. I just figured out how you work, how we work. I just got you. And since you arrived, my life is bright. It wasn’t before you and it won’t be after you.

I fight the tears, but I can tell I’m losing.

“Caden, please stop this,” I whisper shakily.

You pull your face away. “Don’t look at me like that, baby.”

A tear rolls down my cheek. Stubbornly, I shake my head, my wet hair tips whipping against my arms. I’d like to cover my ears. What is happening? What is happening?

I don’t want this!

I can’t lose you!

No!

No matter what you do or say, no matter what happens, I’m not leaving! I’ll stay with you. You told me you loved me. You said that love is total surrender and I give you everything, everything I have. And I’ll deal with everything you have. I’ll be okay with it. You’re wrong, I don’t want a nice, sweet guy, I want you. You, with all your light and all your darkness, in your lightest and darkest moments. I don’t care! I can do it!

You take a breath while I hold your gaze. Just the idea of not being able to look into your ocean eyes breaks my heart. Slowly, an icy thin layer forms over them that makes me wince, but I remain seated and hold your hand.

“I betrayed you, Alayna,” you say clearly and distinctly, and everything instantaneously falls apart inside me, as if pushed by a button. “Just now with Melissa. That’s why Carter beat me up. She gave me a blowjob in the parking lot.”

I stare. I stare at your face, barely able to breathe. I feel sick. Everything rumbles inside me. Instantaneously, there are images, images of you and her. Pain floods my i

I can’t.

I don’t understand all this. I just don’t understand it.

You look at me so patiently, so serenely, without any emotion. Maybe even with a spark of condescension in your gaze.

I can’t speak. I can’t even ask why, although I would like to. Is it because she is prettier than me? Perfect in bed, as you said? The lump in my throat is too big, my mind too confused.

“She is one of many,” you say coolly. “Just like you were.” Your words make no sense. You told me you loved me. Why are you telling me this now? You looked at me as if I was your world! Then why did you make love to another woman and why did you say I was one of many?

There’s a tornado raging inside me, my fingers shake so hard as I cling to you.

“You are all so alike, Alayna. You merely need to be told what you want to hear. Playing with your greatest fears and worries, giving you what you need...”

“Stop it,” I whisper.

“Then you give everything!” you growl. With each word, I breathe faster, feeling as if I am being pushed into a dark abyss, as if I am about to fall, unable to hold on to anything anymore, not even your hand, Caden Rush.