Garden of Sins

23. What is madness, Alayna?

Caden

My brother and I are winded because we are equally strong, know each other inside and out, and anticipate each other’s blows. And yet we allow ourselves to knock each other out.

Now we are lying on the floor panting, sweaty, broken, and bleeding. It feels so good to be completely exhausted. Sometimes we need it and before we take it out on someone else that we could seriously hurt, we take it out on each other. We are that thoughtful.

Carter gropes his way to his stash and lights another joint. I sluggishly turn my throbbing head in his direction. He looks at me as he exhales the smoke. My brother appears wrecked as well. We didn’t hold back. Now we grin at each other and he hands me the joint.

“Sorry about the fuck upstairs, bro,” Carter mumbles and points lazily to his bedroom where the door is still hanging off the hinges because of me.

“No problem.” I pull deeply on the joint, but I know it’s not over yet. Actually, Alayna, I don’t want to share you anymore, but on the other hand, I don’t know how else to do it because it has always been that way. That’s why, as long as you don’t figure it out, I’ll let it continue, but with stricter rules, Alayna. He can’t simply kidnap you anymore and do things to you that don’t agree with me. I know how it sounds. Sick. But I never said I was normal. I even warned you because I already knew I could never stop playing my fucking mind games with you. But I don’t want to break you, baby girl. Ever. Not you.

You said you love me. That’s enough for me to know that you’re mine. It shocked me quite a bit and threw me for a moment because a being like you shouldn’t love someone like me, but it gives me security. When I was at your home and you let me into your world, I knew that I loved you too — whatever love means to me. What I feel for you I have never felt before and that scares the shit out of me because there is something to lose if you find out about the game. Because I can’t push you too far. Often, my boundaries blur when I let myself go too far. It is not easy to control the monster inside me. For you, I will try for the first time in my life, but I ca

He was still nice, Alayna, because he knew I would kill him.

I’m afraid he will destroy you. I’m afraid I’ll destroy you. For the first time in my life, I don’t truly trust myself with you. One thing is clear though; you will succumb to one of the monsters because you are not strong enough for two, and that will not end well.

Melissa wasn’t strong enough either and now look at her. She’s not even remotely what she used to be.

She came from an intact family where she was raised with love. When I met her, she was just out of high school and standing in line in a drugstore in front of me arguing with her former lover on the phone. I listened for a moment; it was interesting. Then she turned around and asked why I was staring so stupidly at her. I only saw her eyes, a fighting spirit in them, and my monster wanted to play and break it.

So I smiled at her and told her she would be fu

Two months later, Melissa was mine, but I noticed from the start she was suspicious. I didn’t care. I found it even more interesting until she fell in love with Carter. Then the sneaking around and whispering behind my back began. Carter distanced himself from me and grew jumpier when I denied her to him, which was punishment for sneaking around. She bored me, Alayna. She tried to fuck me, so I fucked her back, psychologically. I built everything up slowly. Tiny humiliations. Tiny evidence of what would happen if she didn’t listen to me. I taught her to fear, little by little. At the same time, I made her body dependent on my touch. I taught her body with every touch, no matter how small, to yearn for me and to obey me silently without her even noticing. I taught her to run away when I clapped three times and to come back when I called her.

After a few weeks, it was over. Carter told me to let it go. I saw the pain in his eyes when Melissa thought she was crazy and wanted to take her own life because of it.

That’s when I stopped.

But when he tried to run away with her, it was too much. Carter is always so impulsive when he thinks he feels something. He’s a heart person. His mind goes completely blank, which is why he needs me. Besides, I can see exactly what kind of woman Melissa is, but Carter is blind to it. She’s as manipulative as me in some ways.

I knew then that he was on his way to see her and I called him but I didn’t expect him to answer. I simply wanted him to see my name on his screen. Sometimes, that is enough. I know, although I never wanted it, that my brother is conditioned to me in the same way.

He came back and left her.

And now she’s back, Alayna, and she has come between us, between Carter and me. What am I supposed to think?

Blood is thicker than water. I hope for your sake, baby girl, you never fuck with me as she did.

Never.

* * *

Later we sit at di

He sits across from us, trying to ignore the stinging of his busted lip as he drinks the lemon water Mom set on the table, but as he does, he grimaces.

I hear Dad parking his car and I’m already prepared for a discussion because we both look so mangled. Mom merely frowned and waved dismissively when she saw our battered faces. Ava sits at the table like a small pouting gnome, far too self-centered to notice anything and refusing to speak, which doesn’t bother either of us. On the contrary, she is not allowed to do this or that... That bores me. Instead of arguing, she should find secret ways to get out of here at night. After all, that’s what Carter and I did, and we were only twelve.

You’re sitting next to me and I’m still a little a

“Why do you two look like that?” Dad growls a

“We had something to discuss, Dad,” I say calmly. “You know how it is.”

His gaze flies to you and when he sees that all you have left is a yellow-tinged cheek from your mom and nothing else, he seems a bit calmer and plops down hard on his chair. Seriously, Dad? Like I’d ever hurt you that way. I’d rather cut off my hand. Well, I guess Dad doesn’t trust me either. Dad’s smart.

Mom wants to get past him to put the lasagna that Dad doesn’t like on the table, so he grabs her by the arm like he always does and pulls her onto his lap. Before there is an accident, Carter quickly takes the lasagna away from her. He is hungry and Carter is no fun when he is hungry.