Garden of Sins

21. The definition of luck, Caden

Alayna

My eyes follow you across the room, Caden, while you change and pretend that nothing happened earlier.

But something did happen, much of it non-verbal, yet clear enough that I was confused. The way that girl – and yes, it was a girl, a scared little girl – looked at you and you looked at her gave me goose bumps for a moment. Yes, you told me a couple of times that you are a bastard. I wonder if Melissa has gotten to know that side of you better than me. But she’s Carter’s ex. What did you two experience together? What’s your relationship with her?

Downstairs, it almost appeared you were waging a silent war with Carter, which irritated me even more because I didn’t even know you two were enemies. Why would you be? You love each other beyond all else, that much I have observed. I no longer understand anything. The love between you and Carter is actually clear, almost tangible, and so real, but over the last few days, you have been repeatedly clashing with each other. You are like two lions trying to assess the strengths and weaknesses of your opponent. What is going on, Caden? Yesterday, everything was so peaceful between us and so clear and now I’m skeptical and alarmed again since I saw that frightened deer down there.

Okay, she’s Carter’s ex. Okay, she probably has some history with him and there must be a reason why they broke up. But what do you have to do with it?

I take a sip from my can of coke and sit cross-legged on your bed. Meanwhile, you have changed your clothes and turn to me. I’m so confused that I didn’t even look at your perfect body and that should mean something because I’m always stalking and watching you. I love that, it calms me.

“Is something wrong, Alayna?” you ask like you and Carter always do. The question now almost causes an unpleasant aftertaste in my mouth.

I shake my head, but don’t let you out of my sight. For some reason, I am suspicious again.

“You seem confused, baby girl. Is everything all right?” you ask softly, but I bet you know exactly what’s bothering me right now; after all, you were down there too. I wasn’t imagining it, Caden.

I nod, even though nothing is okay. Meanwhile, you open your window a crack and light a cigarette.

I hate it when I’m confused, unable to put my thoughts in order. And that happens to me too often lately.

You sit down next to me, one knee bent and the cigarette hanging from the corner of your mouth. You gently tap me under the chin so that I look up into your eyes, into your turquoise depths that always suck me in.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Alayna,” you ask quietly.

I take another sip and cock my head as I look at you. Yesterday, you were so naked in front of me and I in front of you. Everything was so real. We were so real. You told me you loved me and changed my world. I don’t really want to hear anything that could shake my image of you again. Nevertheless, I can’t pretend that nothing happened down there either.

“What is it with Melissa, Caden?” I ask reluctantly.

“What do you think, baby?” you ask. Caden, you know exactly what I mean, which is why I raise an eyebrow.

“What do I mean?” I repeat somewhat incredulously. “She wanted to run away screaming or jump out the window when you came in. She almost crawled inside Carter!” I gesticulate meaningfully to emphasize my words.

“Does that bother you? That they were so close?” you ask, interested and I have trouble not groaning in a

Such a suspicious person, Caden. Why is that?

“That’s not what I meant, obviously.” I can barely keep the a

I feel sick. I don’t think I’m going to like what you have to say. Usually, I can ignore things I don’t want to know. I somehow always manage to make the best of everything and hide what’s bothering me. But with you, I don’t want that. I want to know everything about you.

You fall onto your back and look at me lazily from the side while you smoke your cigarette. “She was my girlfriend,” you finally explain and now I’m really confused. Also alarmed. I don’t like where this is going and that you seem to have touched her before.

“Carter took her from me. She chose him. I freaked out, beat her up a bit, and Carter sent her away before I killed her. Any questions?”

You say it all so soberly like you’re telling me who your favorite band is, and I feel my heart skip a beat as I hold my breath.

Inside, I try to put your words in order. Carter stole your girlfriend. Okay. She chose him. Also okay. But what do you mean, you wanted to kill her and Carter sent her away?

You don’t mean that the way you said it, do you?

There’s a flash of that gun in my mind and what you confirmed to me in the cab yesterday. Briefly, ice-cold fear runs through my veins.

Briefly.

Then I hold your eyes, your deep oceans, and try to tell myself that you have a heart and that everything is certainly different than it seems now.

“And how long did it go on between you?” I ask hoarsely and clear my throat. “How long did she cheat on you with Carter?” Now I understand why you’re so opposed to me being alone with Carter. Okay, now I understand some of it. Shit.

“Alayna, I’m not going to let you interrogate me right now. Do you understand me?” you say with a definite undertone, avoiding my questions.

I stare at you and wonder how far I can push. I have revealed myself to you and everything that I am, even if I don’t have much. And I want to experience the same from you. I want to know who you are. I want to know your deepest abysses even if you think I can’t handle it.

“But don’t you believe you should share that with me?” I ask softly. I want to take your hand, but I won’t. For some things, I am still too insecure in your presence, especially when I ca

You crack your neck and straighten up before you put the cigarette out in the ashtray on the nightstand. Then you look at me again. Your expression remains distant and I don’t like that at all. “Leave it alone.”

Naturally, I can’t do that. “But...”

You interrupt me immediately and your tone is harsh, which is why I flinch. “I will now count to three and then you will stop, Alayna. Okay? Otherwise, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Caden...” I’m going to do it anyway.

“One,” you count and your expression hardens, making my neck hair stand up.

“But...”

“Two, Alayna.”

“I...” I try again as whooshing begins in my ears.

“Fucking three,” you growl and now there’s a flash of lightning in your turquoise eyes again. This time, I flinch violently and the alarm bells sound again. I don’t like it when you tickle the fear inside me. I don’t like it when you make me want to run away from you.

Because I don’t want to find out what you’re capable of, I close my mouth.

Breathlessly, I watch you straighten up and move back a little into the pillows so that you rise above me. My heart is racing and I feel my chest tightening.

“Good girl,” you whisper before you put your weight all over my body and I gasp. “I like it when you listen to me,” you whisper near my mouth and slide your hand between us right into my pants. Almost with the first touch of your fingers, I explode. What are you doing to me? And how? What are you doing with my body? I didn’t even know that I was feeling lust right now, but as soon as your fingers touched me, the lust shot through me and I tingled all over. God!