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Bet you’re wondering what the hell I could do, right?
What else could I possibly do to destroy everything I ever cared about?
I’m sure you can probably imagine.
Maybe I should just let you imagine and not finish. My heart is done. I’m drained. I’m tired. I’ve been tired for far too long, and this is just ripping me into pieces.
All I know is, I can’t write what happened in the forest.
All I can tell you is it was the best time of my life. It makes me miss him with a clawing, violent need that drives me mad. The freedom of living day to day. The joy at starlit nights full of talking and the lazy mornings with chirping birds.
It was total i Maybe one day, I’ll be able to write a short story on the afternoons that stand out or try to describe the rose-coloured happiness and sun-warmed bliss we lived in. Maybe, I’ll do a poem or haiku on how my love evolved all over again from crush to tenderness to fevered yearning. Or maybe I won’t. Either way, it doesn’t change how wonderful those few months were. Ren and I found our way back to each other, and I wish, wish, wish we could’ve stayed in the trees and never come out. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can count to stay in that joyful place and never slip into the Della I became. But…it happened. Winter found us, ice crept toward us, and snow drove us from our heaven back to hell. And the stopwatch started ticking, inching me closer to the day when I would be alone. The day when Ren would walk out of my life. The day when everything would be broken. Because I’m still here…alone…writing this sorry excuse of a story, pretending I can conjure him from nothing, desperately loving a memory, and killing myself with the knowledge that no matter how much I write about him. No matter what tales I tell you or secrets I spill, he’s not going to be there to tell me off. He’s not going to scold me for telling the truth. He’s not going to notice or care. I no longer need to pretend I don’t love him. I don’t need to lie that I don’t want him. Can you guess why? I’ve been lying to you, too, didn’t you know? I made you believe he stuck by me. That he would never abandon me no matter what disasters I caused. But that is another lie. Probably the biggest one. Because Ren Wild…he’s gone. He left me. And he’s never coming back.