Ugly girl

Chapter 16

I stare up at my blackened ceiling, desperately trying to find sleep, but even with my knife curled inside my palm, the sweet unconsciousness never comes. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, his hands on my body, the sharp pain as he forced himself inside of me.

When will this end? I need to forget. I need to feel again. I need to take back control.

I always thought of sex as fun, but now it seems like this scary, humiliating thing used to torture women into obedience. I once enjoyed it, especially when it was with someone who cared for and treated me as a woman should be treated. But Lucien ruined it for me. He took everything magical away and blackened my soul.

I doubt I’ll ever enjoy sex again.

After the threat of marriage was thrown at me, my life spiraled out of control. Part of the deal was my virginity and I was determined to do anything to ruin this deal, so I did what anyone else would have done and dealt with my virginity myself. No virginity, no deal, right? Fucking wrong.

I had only just turned fifteen when I jumped in the sack with Liam Townsend. Big mistake, like huge fucking mistake. We both fumbled around, hardly knowing what went where, but despite it feeling like a fish out of water flopping around on top of me, it was still fun. Liam made sure I was okay, and after he came two seconds later, he got me an orange juice in his little brother’s spider-man glass. Thinking back on it, it was absolutely ridiculous but it was worth it.

That moment with Liam took the fear of sex out of me. I knew what to expect and from there on, we stuck together and learned from each other. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but people at school could tell something was going on. He taught me everything I needed to know, and I did the same for him.

We each moved on to bigger and better things after a few months of fooling around and I’ve never looked back…until now.

Now I feel like I don’t even know who I am. My body doesn’t feel like my own, and I don’t know how I’ll ever let a man touch me again. I was close with Damian the other night, but who knows if I would have let him get to home base? Maybe I would have panicked and chickened out like a little bitch. I don’t know, but I want to.

I need to know how far this fear goes. I need to know how crippled I’ve become, but what’s more, I need to overcome it.

I let out a shaky breath as my brain takes me somewhere it really shouldn’t, but the second the thought passes, I’m throwing the blankets back and slipping out of my bed.

I’m taking back control. I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I can’t let the fear of Lucien continue to hold me hostage. This is my body not his and I’ll do with it as I please, and right now, I need to forget.

I grab my jacket and slip my arms through the sleeves then push open my window and slip out. I must be crazy for doing this, but there’s only one real way that I can know how deep this fear runs.

I walk for fifteen minutes, pulling my jacket close to my body as the late autumn chill begins seeping into my bones. Life would be so much easier if I had a car. I know Shay and Ben promised me one, but is it really fair to ask for it? Maybe it’s time to stand on my own two feet and get a job.

I get to where I need to be and stare up at the house, trying to remember if this is the right place. The last time I was here, I ran out like my ass was on fire. Who knows? I might be about to bust down the doors of the wrong horny teenager.

Shaking the uncertainty from my mind, I go for it. I don’t know whether his parents are home, but really, my desperation to seek out answers has my care factor dropping to sub-zero. Besides, I get the feeling that he isn’t a stranger to having girls in his room at all hours of the night. In fact, I wouldn’t completely be surprised if I walk in to find him already busy.

I walk up to his front door and push my way through before hesitantly looking around. The door was unlocked and makes me wonder why. Around here, it’s crucial to have your doors locked, it’s downright careless not to.

The lights are all out and the only sound is coming from upstairs. I creep through the house, following what sounds like a PlayStation. I get to the top and smile to myself as I see the flashing light coming from his cracked door.

I head straight for it, knowing it’s now or never.

I push the door open and find Damian slouched over his couch with his PlayStation controller in his hand. The only light in the room comes from his TV and I watch in amusement as his head whips in my direction. His eyes bug out of his head and he hits pause on his controller then sits up on the couch.

“The fuck? What are you doing here?”

My eyes travel over his body, knowing he’ll be down for this. I take a hesitant step into his room and watch as he raises off the couch and slowly stalks towards me. After all, what else would he assume I'm here for?

I walk toward him, letting my jacket fall from my arms. I meet him in the middle and place my hand against his chest as he takes my waist. His eyes flick back toward his open door, checking for his parents before dropping his heated gaze back to mine. I raise my chin, letting my lips gently brush past his.

“Skylah,” he says in a no-bullshit tone. “Why are you here?”

The answer is damn obvious but he’s going to make me say it. “I need you to make me forget.”

“Forget what?”

I shake my head. “Talking ain’t part of the deal.”

He studies me for a moment before a slow grin spreads wide over his face. His fingers tighten on my waist and a thrill rushes through me as he drops his lips to the sensitive skin of my neck. His tongue teases me and goosebumps instantly begin raising over my skin.

A shiver rocks through me and I reach for the bottom of his shirt before sliding my hands up his warm skin and exploring the feel of his tight abs. They’re perfect, exactly as I thought they’d be. My hands travel up over his defined pecks and up to his shoulders before he makes things easier for me and shrugs out of his shirt.

He’s so warm and inviting and as his hands return to my body, I start to realize that maybe I can do this after all.

His fingers splay on my back as he pulls me in close to his body. I tilt my head to the side, allowing him more access and my body finally begins to relax when something presses into my back.

My body stiffens like a board as my heart takes off at a sprint. Hands are placed at my hips and I sense their eyes meet above my head.

Oh, holy fuck.

I glance around the room. Two phones tossed carelessly on the bed, two controllers set up from the PlayStation, two glasses on the bedside table, two plates. Fuck. How could I be so oblivious to the fact that he was here?

Damian’s hold tightens on my waist and he grins down at me with hunger in his eyes, but it’s the beast of a man at my back who has my breath coming in hard. I don’t dare turn back in fear of giving myself away. What’s this intense need building within me and why do I need him to touch me so bad?

Slade’s hand moves from my hip around to my stomach and his fingers dip into the waistband of my jeans. I feel his breath tickling my ear. “We can make you forget, Virago,” he murmurs low, making shivers travel down my spine.

We?

Shit.

I don’t dare respond.

It’s one thing coming here to seduce Damian to find out if I’m capable of putting the past behind me, but it’s another to have a dirty threesome with Slade Fucking Cruz. Though, I’m damn positive that getting jiggy with the two of them is guaranteed to make me forget. Hell, I’m bound to forget my damn name.