Follow the River

I don’t know how the guy can be awake and chipper so early in the day. I’m still grouchy as fuck when I wake up after ten.

I’d say he has some sort of sunshine or rainbows shoved up his ass, but I know for a fact—

My thoughts come screeching to a halt when I turn the lock, drag open the door to my room and trip over something lying directly next to the door.

What the hell?

“Shit,” I curse, catching my weight against the wall right as River scrambles up into a sitting position, startled and clearly groggy as hell if the way his head is snapping in a million directions is any indication.

Wait…River?

“Rain? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asks in quick succession, alarm and gravel present in his voice, as he scrubs a hand over his face.

“Why are you on the floor?” I demand rather than answer his question.

He’s most definitely still half asleep, since he sways getting to his feet, picking up his blanket and pillow and starts dragging it to his room like a little kid.

“To be close by. If you need me. ‘Cause of the nightmares.”

My. Heart. Fucking. Stops.

Has he...?

No.

He’s halfway through his doorway when I grab his wrist to stop him. The knot lodged in my throat is massive as I attempt to swallow, to breathe, to fucking do something other than stare into his sleepy eyes.

“That isn’t the first night you’ve slept there, is it?” The words are barely audible. Hell, I wouldn’t even know if I actually spoke them aloud or just thought them in my head if it weren’t for the flash of guilt I see across his face.

The look in his eyes, the apprehension, tells me he’s pla

Again.

Using my grip on his wrist, I pull him into my chest, blanket, pillow, and all, and cup his face. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Abhai

The way he searches my eyes in the dim glow of moonlight, with clarity and focus, lets me know he’s fully awake now. And by the looks of it, in full anxiety mode. I can even feel his hands twitching to whatever song is ru

“Every night,” he whispers, biting his bottom lip. My thumb brushes against it, tugging it free from his teeth. I’m about to speak again when he quickly adds, “Only for a couple hours. During the bad parts.”

I swear to God, if holding onto his face wasn’t anchoring me in place, I might fucking float away. Or disintegrate into finely ground dust, right here on the spot.

I’ve never been this mortified in my life, yet so eternally…moved.

Every. Fucking. Night.

He’s been sleeping on the ground, outside my room every night.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, his voice cracking. “It’s just that, after the first night…I didn’t want… fuck, Rain. I won’t do it again.”

The vulnerability written on his features is shredding me from the inside out and I can’t stand the way he’s looking at me right now, like at any moment I’m going to flip the switch back to the asshole I was to him not even two weeks ago and then I realize…

He thinks I’m angry with him when all I want to do is…hold him.

Fucking forever.

And I make the decision to do just that, for as long as I can.

“You’re right, you’re never going to do it again,” I tell him softly, smoothing the worry lines marring his face. Grabbing the blanket and pillow from him, I carry them to the bed, which he clearly slept in for a few hours before ending up in the hall. “You’re not going to spend another night on the damn ground attempting to get to me, to comfort me. Because I know that’s what you were trying to do.” Sliding in between the sheets, I keep my eyes on his.

“I know. I’m—”

“Stop apologizing and get in the bed,” I growl, my temper rising. Lifting the sheet, I indicate to the vacant spot beside me.

“But—”

“I swear to God, River, I need you to listen right now.” My tone is sharp, but I hear the plea in my voice, hoping he does too. “If I need to spend every single night in this bed with you to make sure you don’t end up on the floor, I fucking will. The thought of you—goddamn, it guts me,” I say, my voice breaking. “If the nightmares come—and make no mistake, they will—I’ll be right next to you. Not keeping you at arm’s length, letting you freeze on the floor.”

River crosses the room to the bed before slipping in beside me, laying on his side to face me. “You don’t have to—”

“I know that. Just like you didn’t have to. But you did, even after everything.” A sigh escapes me, and I wrap my arm around his waist, pulling him so our bodies are flush. “That shit? The fighting and the bickering and the fucking games? It’s all over. If there’s one thing you can believe, it’s that.” I rub my nose against his once, twice, before resting my forehead against his and close my eyes.

My stomach is in knots and my heart still aches for how many times he’s shown me that, for some ungodly reason, he cares about me. No matter the messed up shit I’ve done or said. When I don’t let him in, when I push him away, he still fights for a way to gain even a glimpse past the mask.

It’s about time I let him have it.

“Every night, for the rest of the time we’re here, this is how it’s going to be. Maybe because it makes sense or because I feel guilty, I don’t know. Whatever it is, the most important reason is I’m a selfish bastard, and when I want something, I take it.” My throat works at the knot residing in it before I let out a shaky exhale. “And what I want? More than anything? Is to finally have something to hold onto to make it through the night.”

River stays silent, rolling to his back and I take the opportunity to tangle our legs together and burrow into the warmth of his skin, his presence.

Him.

It’s easy to be together like this in the dark. As if we’re in another world, another time. Where this thing happening between us is real. Tangible. Even if we both know, when dawn breaks, it will end. We both would rather relish in the dream, even if it can only take place in the dead of night.

After what seems like years, he finally asks the question I’m sure has been burning on his tongue.

“Are you going to tell me what they’re about?”

No.

“Not tonight, Riv. Tonight, just distract me. Tell me about the songs. They’ve been changing more frequently since we’ve been here.” I nuzzle into River’s neck before wrapping my arm around his stomach.

“You’ve noticed that?”

I’ve noticed so much more than that, Abhai