Follow the River

The door of the locker room closes behind me with a soft click as I make my way over to my cubby to start getting dressed for the game. First game of the season, to be exact.

The state of the art locker room is seemingly empty, which I’m glad for. Whenever it was a home game while I played for Clemson, and even in prep school, I always tried to be the first one in to suit up, giving me a little bit of extra time to get into the right headspace.

I also prefer to dress without an audience of eighty other men, even though it’s not like they watch.

But as I round the corner, I find River Le

I have to admit, we’ve been fire on the field together in practice. Nearly unstoppable, even if we’ve only been playing together for three short weeks. All that does is give me hope for a successful season though.

At least that’s hope for something, seeing as football is just about the only damn thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

I pull to a stop and watch River, dressed only in a pair of ru

He’s not wearing headphones, at least not that I can tell from here, so I call out to him. “If you’re trying to keep a steady beat, practicing to become a drummer or some shit, I hate to break it to you, man, but you’re in for a world of disappointment.”

River’s head immediately snaps up at the sound of my voice, as if startled to find himself no longer alone. He recovers quickly, just like on the field, and lets out a laugh.

“Definitely not looking to join a band. I prefer to march to the beat of my own drum anyways,” he grins before standing up and turning back to his cubby, pulling out his padded pants.

“Then what were you doing? Having a damn seizure?” I hold my hand to my chest and gasp. “You don’t have like some...nerve disorder do you? Because dude, I am aiming for a fucking ring this year and we can’t get one when our quarterback has a twitchy hand.”

He lets out another throaty laugh before grabbing a ball out of his locker and tossing it at me. Which I, of course, catch with ease.

“Fuck off, Grady. I was mentally playing a song, okay?”

I throw the ball back into his waiting hands, my brows furrow. “Mentally playing a song? As opposed to actually listening to it?”

He spins the ball in his palms, comfortable as hell with the damn thing in his large hands, and smiles as if I caught him with his hands in the cookie jar. “I do it a lot when I’m nervous. Anxious. Or, I mean, just in general sometimes. I du

I nod, thinking about it. We all have our ways of dealing with stress. Life. Whatever works for him to get his head in the game, I guess.

“What one is it today, if you don’t mind me asking?”

A wide grin spreads over his face. “‘Afterall’ by Beartooth, though that’s usually my theme song before every game. The chorus, hell the whole thing, it kind of hits deep. Makes me remember I’ve got it good. Even if I fuck up on the field, it’s a small problem to have in comparison to the shit people deal with on the daily.” He shakes his head, realizing his small tangent. “Sorry, I can go on about them all day since they’re kind of my favorite band in general.”

Pulling out my phone, I bring up my Spotify app and type in the song. “You mind?” I ask before hitting play. He shakes his head and turns back to his cubby, pulling on his socks, then trading his shorts for the pants.

I start getting dressed myself, letting the sound of the song play out into the silence of the locker room. It’s really good too. The beat and the sound, both are phenomenal for getting pumped before a game or work out or something.

But the lyrics, the meaning behind the words, laced with understanding of what it’s like to live with mental illness…it sets me on edge.

All because of one fucking line.

Head on the ground and my thoughts on the ceiling.

A cold chill runs down my spine and my knuckles blanche from gripping the wooden shelf of my cubby. Instantly, I’m taken back to that night.

The sweat ru

The cool barrel of the gun.

My finger twitching on the fucking trigger.

“I’m go

Clearing my throat, I quickly exit the app and toss my phone down to my side. “I’d happily turn on something else for you,” I give him a half smirk, attempting to cover my unease. “Perhaps ‘Baby Shark’ would be a better choice?”

River groans before laughing again, the sound echoing out into the still empty locker room. “Hell no, that shit lived in my brain on repeat for fucking months.”

“‘Barbie Girl’, then?”

His grin is huge, and I have to admit, it’s a good look on him. Especially the dimples that pop in his cheeks I’m sure the girls have wet dreams about. “You always such a fucking dick?”

“Only on the days ending in y,” I reply dryly.

He shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. “Well if you decide you aren’t going to be such a douchewaffle, let me know. There’s an after party, post-game. We aren’t really supposed to go, but it’s still early enough in the season we can get away with it. You should come, get to know the guys a little more off the field.” He gives a nonchalant shrug. “Or not. It’s your call.”

I nod, thinking over his offer. It would be nice, spending time with the team. Making some actual co

I don’t think I’ve had actual friends since… high school. When I had Siena and Roman, the fraternal twins I grew up with from the age of eight. But the day they both left to move on with their lives after graduating, leaving me behind for another year at Foxcroft Hall, I was officially on my own.

And I’ve been that way ever since, never allowing anyone to get close enough.

It’s time to change that though. I’m sick of living my life without any semblance of human co

“I’m in,” I tell him, just as the door to the locker room opens and a few guys start pouring in.

It’ll be nice to have River as a friend after years of being so fucking alone.

“I know you seem like an introvert, man. But I promise you, these Tri Delta after parties are the ones you don’t want to miss,” River tells me as we pass through the threshold of one of the sorority’s off-campus party houses. As soon as we enter, I’m overwhelmed by the pounding base of A Day to Remember and Marshmello’s “Rescue Me”, which is surprising because I would never expect these sorority types to be down with ADTR.