Follow the River

“No, she wouldn’t—”

I let out a harsh laugh. “Of course she would. Or don’t you know? I told her what he did to me. When I was thirteen years old, I told her how he would bend me over and shove his cock so far up my ass I thought it might rupture my spleen. I told her he would force me to my knees and stick his dick down my throat, making me choke on it until he came.”

Stepping back, I scoff at the broken look on her face. She doesn’t get to be broken, not when I’m the one who went through hell. Continuing through clenched teeth, I hiss the words out. “So I went to someone else, someone I thought I could trust. And told my story. All of it. How he would hurt me. Abuse me. Fucking rape me when she was sleeping right down the hall. How she refused to listen, to do anything about it.”

Tears start streaming down her face and bile rises in my throat. Fuck her.

“But then? When I thought I could trust that person, the one I spilled my damn guts to for years? I found out the piece of shit turned around and betrayed me. Every single word, every emotion, every i

And it’s true. Every fucking word I told my therapist was never kept private like it should have been. They never should have been recorded in the first place, but Ted has friends in high places.

Apparently high enough to bribe a fucking doctor who took a Hippocratic oath to break it for sweet payout.

“And now? Those goddamn tapes have been leaked to the FBI. Hell, probably to the media too. Every word I said in private, every private thought and every intimate detail of what he did to me are all out there for the fucking world to hear. So, now when I walk onto the football field or into class or the grocery store, they’ll see me. Recognize me as the kid who was raped and abused by his high powered stepfather. And their reaction? Fuck, it’ll be disgust or fucking pity. And I don’t have it in me to unpack which of those would be worse.”

Honestly, I could handle the disgust. It’s pity I can’t stand. The look in their eyes that says I’m so sorry or that poor guy when all I fucking want is to move on, to find myself, to become something, anything, other than what Ted is.

But I am a product of my environment. I’ve proven as much.

“And the worst part of it all?” I shake my head, the irony knocking me on my ass. “The worst part is I’m just fucking like him. I took from someone what wasn’t mine to take. I forced myself on someone who didn’t deserve my anger and resentment simply because he was secure in who he is as a person. The only difference is instead of using and abusing him like he was a worthless piece of trash before shutting him up with a nice pay out for the liability, I fucking fell in love with him.”

I fell in love with River in that cabin. It was never supposed to happen. Or maybe it was, I was too blind or stupid or arrogant to see the immediate chemistry I felt with him was life slapping me in the face saying get your head out of your ass, Rain. We made this one just for you.

And he is. Made for me, that is.

I’m not certain of anything else in my life at the moment except for that. River Le

“Listen to me, Ciaráin,” Doctor Fulton breaks through my tangent. “You mother has no intention of letting your stepfather know about the things we have discussed. She was only hoping to get more insight seeing as…” she trails off, her throat visibly straining to swallow. “He is still doing it.”

Ice licks at my flesh. “What?”

“Your mother. She…she walked in on the act. He had brought home another boy. A mere child. From her words, he couldn’t have been more than thirteen. The same age as you when…”

She doesn’t finish her thought. She doesn’t need to, though. I know where it was going.

The same age I was when I tried to tell her what he was doing to me.

“So all those months ago, when everything started surfacing…”

“That was your mother’s doing, Ciaráin. Well, partially.” Doctor Fulton lets out a long sigh, rubbing her temple while I stand frozen in place, gaping at her.

I bite my tongue because Jesus Christ, I want to bite her head off some more, fully knowing it won’t get me anywhere. “Start from the begi

Licking her lips twice, she inhales sharply before meeting my penetrating gaze. “A few months ago, when the news first got wind of a scandal with Ted, it wasn’t because of the tapes.” My brows shoot up in surprise, fingers gripping the back of the chair before me painfully hard. “There was an investigation into your old therapist. For bribery, breaking her Hippocratic oath, they were even looking into racketeering. When the FBI raided her office in search of information on someone they thought to be part of a drug and sex-trafficking ring, they confiscated all of her files. Including yours.

“Of course, you and I both know what the folder contains. More than enough to build a plausible case against Ted. The only thing they were missing were…”

“The tapes,” I finish for her, remembering the day Ted had shown them to me in his office, locked in the safe while my mother stood idly by. Not doing a damn thing.

She nods. “Your file references them often enough that the FBI knew they were missing a key piece of the puzzle. But the issue was, they combed the office for days in search, thinking Ted was somehow involved in the ring they originally were trying to take down.”

My head shakes of its own accord, disbelief flowing through me. “Okay, but that was months ago. Why is shit hitting the fan right now?”

“Because of those tapes. The FBI never actually had them until recently, only alluding to their importance to the case. It’s why they hadn’t given your name to the public, they weren’t sure what evidence they contained against Ted, only that they could be the nail in his coffin. I don’t know why they went that route, letting the public think they were in evidence, but I can guess it was to get whoever had them a reason to turn them over.

“All I know is your mother, she listened to them, once your file was taken in as evidence. All of them. When she found Ted in that…precarious…position with that boy, she couldn’t turn a blind eye any longer. And so she turned them into the FBI. She realized she was wrong not to listen to you all those years ago when you came to her, speaking your truth, only to ignore it entirely.”

My stomach flips when the realization hits me like a freight train.

All of this mess, me having to leave Clemson, the FBI, the arrest and trial, the newscasts…it’s all because my mother, my fucking mother decided to finally be something other than a society slut hopped up on pills.

No, no, no.

Fuck Mom, why did you have to get involved now? Why couldn’t you be a goddamn parent years ago when I needed one and told you what was happening with your husband directly under your roof?

Why couldn’t you love me more than your money and vices and take me at my word?

And why the fuck does my therapist have such insight into the behaviors of my mother?