Night shifts black

I glare at him. “Luke, I’m begging you. Start the movie!”

He rolls his eyes, but finally presses play.

∞∞∞

A knock at the door at minute 17 interrupts our showing, yet again. The hero was just about to embark on his epic journey through the rugged wastelands of some fictitious third-world country to rescue some important politician from…I don’t know. I’m way too distracted to actually follow the action. I’m only here so I don’t have to be out there.

Which is exactly why Casey’s face is the last thing I want to see poking around the door at the moment. But here he is, freshly showered and hoping for another change of clothes.

“Dude, you really need to send for your stuff or go shopping,” Luke mutters, and Casey gives him a look.

“What are you watching?” he asks as he rifles through Luke’s drawers.

“Absolute Descent,” I answer. He glances at me quickly, then returns to the drawers.

“Any good?”

“So far it’s fine,” I return. “Just started fifteen minutes ago.”

“Can I sit?” he asks.

I want to say no, but it’s not my call. It’s Luke’s, and I can feel his questioning gaze, which is why I realize I’m completely screwed because Casey Barrett is my problem, not his.

“Sure, man. We can go out to the living room if you want.”

Casey shrugs. “No, this is fine. There’s room.”

I almost openly glare at him when he chooses my side of the bed instead of Luke’s. I have to suck in my irritated grunt as I adjust so he can sit beside me. Again, I can feel Luke’s satisfied smirk on my other side, and now I want to smack both of them.

“Are we finally settled?” Luke asks.

“All good,” Casey assures him, and I don’t like how close he is. I gave him plenty of room to give me plenty. Instead his arm is resting against mine, his leg, his hip, the heat of his body spreading through me, the clean scent of his shampoo filling my head with brutal images of him in the shower. I’m so angry I’m sure I’m scraping enamel from my teeth.

The movie hasn’t resumed for more than two minutes before it happens. Suddenly, my hand is brushed by his. Gently at first, so I think maybe it was an accident. But his gaze turns on me, I can feel it, then a more intentional touch. Furious, I finally blast him with a look that contains all the fire raging inside me.

He doesn’t shrink, however, instead only grabbing my fingers, holding firm as I instinctively try to pull away. His eyes continue to stare into mine, searching, waiting for me to calm down. To forgive him. To understand something.

“If you two need to be alone…” Luke teases, and I flinch, my face on fire. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. I’m still mad at Casey. No, I want to be mad at him, but I’m not. He has me burning with a different kind of fire again. The kind that will get me in trouble if I don’t temper it with reality. I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me. Why Luke is encouraging it.

I yank my hand away.

“I’m going to go get a drink,” I say, sliding off the far edge of the bed.

“Callie…”

I don’t hesitate this time, and exit into the hallway just in time to hear, “I don’t know what you did, but you need to go fix this.”

I know Casey is following me. I can hear him, sense his presence, and when I get to the living room I spin around to confront him. But my angry words catch in my throat at the expression on his face.

“I’m sorry, Callie…I…”

He shakes his head and curses to himself. Clasping his hands above his head, he begins that distracted pacing he does, and my inevitable compassion begins to creep back in, ever so slightly.

Finally, he clenches his eyes shut for a second before focusing back on me, a desperate look on his face.

“I don’t date, Callie,” he blurts, and I squint at him in surprise.

“Not ever?”

“Not seriously.”

He sighs and drops to the couch. I follow, but stay a safe distance away. I trust him, just not myself.

“My whole life has been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings wrecking others by dumping them.” He quiets and sucks in his breath. “Then the finale of Luke and Elena.”

He shakes his head again, deep in thought.

“Luke was my best friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn’t surprised, but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn’t be what Elena needed and I knew Elena couldn’t handle what he was. I tried to warn them! I…” He covers his face with his hands, and my heart starts to shift as it starts to understand.

Still, I don’t react as he collects himself. I can tell he’s not finished and I want to hear him. I want his story and I want it told his way. Finally, he clears his throat and dares a look at me again. I want to reach out to him, but I don’t. It’s not time.

“Anyway, they wouldn’t listen to me. They were both so crazy about each other, it didn’t matter what anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the disaster unfold.” He closes his eyes again, and I can see the pain rushing back. “And that’s what I did. Watched for three years as the two people I loved most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves.”

He meets my gaze, his eyes searching, pleading. “Do you know what that’s like?” he whispers, tears in his eyes. “It killed Elena, and now it’s killing Luke, and I swore I’d never do that to someone else! I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they hurt each other. The way my dad hurt my mom. I don’t know how else to do that except to stay away from them.” He quiets and rests his head in his hands, and I can’t take it anymore.

I close the gap between us and touch his arm, forcing him to look at me. He does, and I grasp his hand.

“You’re not Luke. I’m not Elena.”

He shakes his head, the tears spilling to his cheeks. “You don’t know that. You…what if I am?”

I shrug and give him a direct look, firm, confident. “You know what? Maybe you are, but you’re worth the risk to me. You just need to decide if I am. You’ve told me many times I have to start trusting myself. Trust who I am. So do you.”

He seems touched. And conflicted.

Suddenly, he pulls away and shakes his head again. “We can’t, though! Don’t you get it? I’ve got maybe three to four months, then I’m gone again. I’m on the road all the time, and even when I’m not, I’ve got obligations and expectations that take me everywhere and…”

“Casey, stop!” I cry, jerking his hands.

He blinks, and I shake my head in exasperation.

“I’m not asking for a ring, here!” I laugh. “I’m talking about just letting whatever this is develop while it can. We can decide later what to do with it.” I take a deep breath. “You can’t force yourself to be alone forever just because other people made some poor decisions. What happened to Luke and Elena…” I sigh. “I can’t even imagine what that was like for you, but that’s not going to happen with us.”

“But…”

I silence him with a look and gaze hard into his eyes. “Casey, even if you break my heart you will not break me. You won’t.”

I can’t tell if he believes me, but I can tell he’s sincere, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted from him. I believe him.

This time it’s definitely me who initiates the kiss. He wouldn’t have dared, which is yet another reason why I want nothing more than to be close to him at that moment. Will he break my heart? Maybe. Probably. Just like I will break his at some point, too. But I also know it would absolutely shatter mine to move on without even giving myself the chance to get close to this amazing, talented, beautiful person. I have to try, despite the pain, and I think maybe he’s starting to understand that as well.