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He grins and shrugs.
“Ok, your turn,” he commands, taking his book back.
I suck in my breath. I’d expected the request, just not so soon.
“What? I showed you mine.”
“I know but…”
“Callie.”
I grunt in exasperation. “Fine. Give me a minute.”
I get up from the couch and move to the guest room. Casey’s right. I do carry a notebook with me. Just like he does. Just like him, the complete works are on my computer, but I feel naked without my little notepad to capture my thoughts whenever, wherever, whatever they are.
I grab the worn book from my bag and stare at the cover, suddenly paralyzed. Am I really going to do this? Expose myself so openly to a relative stranger? Can I even choose not to at this point? He just risked a lot more than I am by showing me his own music diary.
And if I’m truly honest with myself, I opened myself up to Casey Barrett long before this moment. If I don’t dive in and take a risk at this point, then there is no point. Maybe I’m just a fourth chair, but I’m nothing if I don’t accept that. Casey’s song hits home a lot harder than it ever had when I’d heard it on the radio. I finally get it.
I steel myself and clasp the notebook tightly to my chest. I’m going to do this. I have to do this. I move from the room with a resolved look on my face.
“Ok, but you have to promise not to laugh…” I call as I move down the hall.
I stop abruptly when I see Luke seated next to Casey.
“Promise not to laugh at what?”
I swallow, completely frozen.
“Um, nothing…” I mutter, spi
“Callie!” Casey calls. “Where are you going? It’s fine! Come back!”
I freeze again, having no idea what to do. I’m shocked that I was prepared to open my soul to Casey whom I’ve known for a day, and yet, stalled by Luke who’s been the center of my life for weeks. I can’t possibly open up to both of them together, can I? No, absolutely not. Being ridiculed by one is bad enough. Maybe that’s it. I can take Casey’s rejection, but not Luke’s. No, that’s not it either. I care a lot about what Casey thinks. Too much.
I lean against the wall out of sight and can hear them speaking in low voices.
“She was going to show me some of her stuff.”
“Yeah, she writes poetry. I see you got the bible out. You let her see it?”
“I was hoping if I showed her, she’d open up.”
“I bet it’s good.”
“I bet it is, too.”
“Guess I’m not her favorite anymore. She never wanted to show me anything.”
I draw in a deep breath and push away from the wall.
“Sorry, guys! Just realized I had grabbed the wrong book. Got it now,” I lie, and cover the distance to the couch. “You’re back,” I add to Luke.
He gives me one of his real smiles, and I relax a bit. “You know me. Just have to pout for a while, then I’m good. So Casey says you’re finally going to let us see some of this mysterious poetry. Gotta say I’m jealous that I couldn’t get a look after a month, and this loser got in after a day, but whatever. Let’s see it.”
I swallow and open the book, suddenly regretting everything about this moment. I should have at least told them I’d show them some of the finished versions later. The polished and pretty ones on my computer. These sketches are mainly nothing but stream of consciousness thoughts. Word vomit on the days I was feeling particularly depressed or inspired.
“I told Casey this is my private book. Ideas mainly. I clean them up and do the actual writing on my computer.”
Neither of them seems fazed by that, and I realize I’m starting to sound like a diva with all my hesitating. I’m not showing them the next classic novel here, just some rough musings of an introspective drifter.
Then, I remember I actually did complete one of the verses in here. Well, kind of. It was on the bus ride from Shelteron that first time I made my way to the city. My battery had died on my laptop so I worked on it the old-fashioned way. Pen to paper. I never truly finished it, but it was the most complete of anything I had with me.
They’re too far apart to read it together, so I hand the book to Casey first since he’s the reason I’m in this mess in the first place. I’m still not entirely convinced Luke even cares.
I watch Casey’s face as he reads, suddenly horribly embarrassed by it all and re-regretting every second of this encounter. I never should have done this. I never should have let them in. They…
“Holy shit,” he mutters, and my heart drops. He shakes his head and glances up at me briefly, then over at Luke. “Listen to this:
“Mirror mirror, what do you see, when you look at me
Mirror mirror, what are you thinking, I see those eyes staring
Mirror mirror, what are you saying, it’s always something I believe
Mirror mirror, you’re a liar, so why do you own me
Hello hello greetings from the inside
Hello hello framed in all your lies
Hello hello how you love to see me cry
Hello hello always so unkind
Mirror mirror, why the tears, you made me
Mirror mirror, who do you think you are
I made you!
Hello hello greetings from the inside
Hello hello framed in all your lies
Hello hello how you love to see me cry
Hello hello it’s time to say goodbye”
“What else do you have?” Casey asks, paging through the notebook with interest.
“What? Nothing…”
“What else? I want to see the rest.”
I grab the book from him and shake my head. “There is no more. I mean, not here, not finished.”
“It doesn’t have to be finished. Please, Callie?” he asks, and I sigh. “What’s the last thing you wrote?”
I look away. “I don’t really write much anymore.”
“Why not?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess… Maybe there’s no point? Like I said, I’m not really a writer. Well, not a real one.”
Casey almost seems a
“It’s not! I just…I don’t know.”
He softens. “Look, I don’t want to pressure you, I just really want to see it.”
“But it’s not even finished!”
“So what? I know how the process works.”
“Dude, she says she doesn’t want to show you. Let it go,” Luke chimes in, and the spell breaks.
I feel badly then. I don’t know why except that somehow I’ve betrayed Casey. His faith in me. I’m being everything I hate about Luke.
“No, it’s fine. Sorry. Here,” I jump in. “But like I said, don’t expect too much.”
I hand him the book back, and he starts going through it again like I’ve just given him the secret to eternal life.
“I think he likes it,” Luke teases, and I give him a look.
“Hell yeah, I like it.”
He skims over a few more pages, then lands back on my mirror poem.
“Dude, where’s your guitar?” Casey asks, and Luke’s face falls. Casey only grunts. “Come on, man, not now.”
Luke glares at him. “You know I don’t play anymore.”
“Yeah, and I also know you don’t go anywhere without that piece of junk. Just get it for me and then you can sulk all you want.”
Luke smirks. “It needs new strings. I haven’t touched it in forever.”
“You think I care about that right now? I’m not go
It’s Luke’s turn to grunt as he rises from his seat and saunters off down the hall. I glance at Casey but see he’s pretty much forgotten about me at this point. I can see his mind working furiously on something, sca