Night shifts black

I finally allow myself to glance over at him, and all the fear, and longing, and pain, and confusion come rushing back into me at once. I don’t know what to do with it as my eyes fill and I lean into him. Luke wraps his arms around me in return, and I hold on, terrified that I will lose him one day.

“I was so scared last night,” I whisper into his shirt. I pull back slightly, and look up into his face. “I didn’t know…I mean, you…I hated seeing you like that.”

He looks away, and I catch a glimpse of all the agony that led to last night before he tucks it out of view. I let him go, and he squeezes my hand gently before retreating into himself and facing the wall again.

“That used to be normal.”

“I know.”

He glances at me sharply. “Casey told you.”

“Casey loves you and is probably the best friend you have.”

Luke seems skeptical, and I shake my head. “No. You need to listen to me, Luke. Last night it was Casey who took care of you, not me. It was Casey who wiped the puke off your face and nursed you back to health.” I pause. “You need to let him back into your life.”

Luke’s expression hardens. “I can’t.”

As does mine. “You have to.”

“You don’t understand.”

I shrug. “Ok, then explain it to me. We’re past the ‘no personal stuff.’”

Luke shakes his head and won’t look at me.

“He’s a good person, Luke. And after what I saw last night, I’d venture to say, better than both of us.”

Luke shakes his head again, looking like he wants to speak but can’t. Or won’t.

“What? I don’t know if maybe you’ve had a falling out in the past, but he wants to make it right again. He wants to be a part of your life.”

Luke glares at me, and it’s then that I see the self-loathing Casey was talking about. It’s so vivid I almost gasp.

“He can’t be part of my life. I’m not doing that to him again,” he hisses. Then rises from the bed.

I watch him leave in stu

∞∞∞

Casey is oblivious when I emerge from the room, still seated at the island, studying his phone. He glances up at my entrance, but his smile fades when he sees my face.

“You’re still mad. I’m sorry, we didn’t…”

I cut him off with a hug. He doesn’t speak, even though I know he’s confused as my arms tighten around him. He reciprocates, and I feel his chin resting on my head. He adjusts so we can be closer.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asks, allowing me to settle into him.

I want to say something, to explain, but I don’t know how. Nothing’s wrong and everything’s wrong. And some things are right, but maybe not enough things.

“I want you to stay,” I whisper. “No matter what happens, what he says or does, you need to stay. Please?” I ask, pulling back so I can search his face.

His eyes fill with concern, and I realize how beautiful they are. I’d thought there could be nothing more consuming than the painful depth of Luke’s gaze until I got lost in the compassionate abyss of Casey’s.

He just nods. I know he knows there’s more to this, that he’s going to regret his promise as much as be glad for it, but he makes it, silently, and I rest against him again, holding on.

“I can’t help him alone, Casey. I know that now. He needs you. I need you, too.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he responds softly.

“Promise?” I ask, looking up at him again.

He nods. “Promise.”

I force an awkward smile that he returns, suddenly feeling safe again. It’s fu

“He told you he wanted me gone, didn’t he,” Casey guesses after a long pause.

I don’t respond at first. It does us no good to lie.

“Yes, but not for the reasons you’d think. I actually think it’s because he believes he’s bad for you. I think he’s afraid he’ll drag you down with him. He said ‘again.’ What does that mean?”

Casey looks away, conflicted, and sighs.

“Please, Casey, I’m tired of being involved in your lives and yet not knowing anything. I don’t know how to help, how to even act, when I’m around you two.”

He nods and glances down the hall, probably to make sure we’re alone, before leading me to the couch. We sit facing each other, and I wait as he gathers his thoughts.

“If you think things are bad now, you should have seen what happened after Elena,” he begins quietly. “Luke completely imploded. I doubt he even remembers the first month. The band took a hiatus, everyone understood, and the publicity actually helped us. You know how tragedy goes…well, as long as it’s not your fault.” He stops and looks away. “And it wasn’t, and the media had a field day with it. Our Label didn’t help matters and sucked every last dollar and headline they could out of Luke’s devastation.”

He takes a deep breath. “The problem is, it kind of was his fault. Not in an obvious way, a criminal way,” he adds quickly. “But the kind of way that tears you apart inside and turns compassion into poison.” He quiets again. “Everyone said he just needed time…and space. Even the other guys let him go. They wouldn’t have known what to do with him anyway, but I couldn’t. I stuck by him.” He looks up again, and I can see how painful this story is, and yet, how relieved he is to finally release some of it.

He lets out a bitter laugh. “Oh, he hated me for it, believe me, and made nothing easy, but he was my brother, and I couldn’t just abandon him and take advantage of his pain like everyone else.”

He sits back and shakes his head at another memory.

“You know, at one point the Label almost cut me because I refused to be part of some major cable ‘special’ about the whole thing. I don’t know why Sweeny and Eli did it, but they did. I guess the Label realized Night Shifts Black couldn’t afford to lose both Luke and me, so they agreed to let me sit out the interview if I agreed to participate in another tour. We had canceled the rest of the current one after what happened.”

“And Luke blames himself for almost getting you kicked out of the band?” I guess, studying him carefully.

He shakes his head. “No, Luke blames himself for almost getting me killed,” he says quietly. He draws in a deep breath. “I’m not an expert at grief, and I certainly wasn’t then. I didn’t know what to do with Luke, how to take care of him. I was full of my own pain, too. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to abandon him like everyone else. But I’ll admit, in the begi

He looks away again, and I find myself instinctively taking his hand. My instinct reacts surprisingly open with him for some reason.

“I tried to be the responsible one, but failed more times than not. One night…” He shudders. “Anyway, we both ended up in the hospital, along with a ton of headlines the Label was not happy about. Unfortunately, since I’m not Luke Craven, I didn’t get the grace Luke did. They basically gave me a choice at that point, distance myself from Luke and rejoin the band, or they’d drop me. So I had to make a choice. Career or friend.”

“And you chose career.”

Casey laughs. “No, of course not. I chose Luke, but he wouldn’t let me. We fought about it for days, and then suddenly, he just disappeared. Abandoned his house, his accounts, everything, and stopped answering his phone. No one knew where he went, including me.” He sighs. “To this day, I don’t know if he ran for my sake or his, but the result was the same. I had no other choice at that point. If I couldn’t help him, I had to go back. So I did. Cleaned myself up, got back on track, and was thrilled when our manager called to say that he’d finally heard from Luke. That he was here. I came as soon as I could which was during our quick break before the Calisto Festival.”