Night shifts black

“The hockey song is from one of your songs?” I ask in surprise.

He nods. “Yeah. It’s not one of our bigger ones. Well, it wasn’t when they negotiated the rights to it.”

“I’d say it is now,” I mumble. I instinctively start humming the line, and Casey rolls his eyes.

“Yep, that’s it.”

“Wow, I had no idea. I actually really like that song.”

He shakes his head with a smile. “You sound so shocked.”

I grin. “Sorry. I guess…I don’t know. I try not to think too much about Luke the Superstar, so I haven’t made much of a co

He nods, and I can tell he understands. “I like that. He needs someone in his life who’s real, but you should still pick up our stuff sometime. If you truly want to understand your new friend here, you need to listen to his music. I think it might surprise you.” He pauses and studies him. “Or maybe it won’t.”

“’Step back, fast, I’m coming for you. Step back, you can’t handle what I’ve got.’”

I recite the words absently, imagining the hockey players slamming up against the boards in a series of vicious checks.

Casey smiles and nods. “That’s it.” He quiets, and I can see from his reflection in the mirror that there’s a lot more to this. A lot more to him.

“People think it’s an aggressive song. A challenge to someone, and the hockey link certainly doesn’t help,” he muses. I glance over at him in surprise.

“It’s not?”

Casey shakes his head. “No. That’s not what Luke’s saying at all. It’s actually saturated with self-loathing.”

“Saturated with self-loathing?” I repeat in amusement. “What do you mean you’re not good with adjectives?”

He shrugs with a shy grin. “I’ve been known to string a few together. Anyway, the part you know is just the hook. The chorus is, ‘I’m the anchor drowning you. I’m your infection, better get back. I’m the hurricane, angel, shred those wings. Step back, better get back.’”

We’re quiet for a moment as the lyrics settle around us. I glance over at Luke who hasn’t moved.

“And that was even before Elena’s suicide?” I ask, realizing I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of this enigma.

Casey seems surprised by my comment at first, then relieved that the topic is finally out.

He sighs. “Yes. Elena was…” He stops, and I can tell this subject is difficult for him as well. “She was a beautiful person, inside and out. Deep down he never thought he deserved her.” He quiets again. “I think that’s why he did the things he did.”

“What things?” I ask, unable to stop the question.

He stares ahead again, but only ends up meeting my eyes in the mirror. “You know, things. There are a lot of temptations out there. On the road. For us.”

“He cheated on her?”

“A lot,” Casey admits quietly. “He never should have married her and he knew it. For her sake. He couldn’t be the person she deserved. Not with the way things were for us. He couldn’t forgive himself before, but especially after. God, you want to see a person who hates himself?”

We both stare over at Luke.

“And what am I supposed to do? Huh?” he continues in a haunted voice. “What do you say to a monster you love who’s finally figured out what he is?”

I swallow hard. I feel something burning deep inside me again, but I don’t know what to do with it. There’s so much going on in my head, in my heart, my soul, at that moment, I don’t even know where to begin.

I have a lot to think about, and the sudden silence comes at a good time. I can tell Casey’s mind is racing as well, and I wonder what he’s thinking. I want to ask, but I’m not ready for that yet. I’m starting to care way too much about what’s going on in this surprisingly deep and compassionate drummer’s head for it to be a safe topic.

“I should go check on the party and see if I can wind it down,” he states abruptly. “When I get back we’ll try to get some alcohol out and water in.”

I give him a grateful smile, which he returns. He squeezes my hand before rising from the bed, and I blush a little. I hadn’t even realized we were still holding hands.

∞∞∞

Casey returns shortly, and the purging procedure proves to be unpleasant at best. I know without Casey, I never would have had the strength to complete it. Luke struggles violently against his friend as Casey drags him to the bathroom, forcing him against the toilet until he vomits, repeatedly.

I stand watch at the door, my heart breaking at the sight, but somehow finding peace in Casey’s calm strength. He speaks to Luke in a tone mixed with comfort and confrontation, refusing to send the message that what’s happening is ok, even as he pours every ounce of himself into nursing his friend. It’s a fascinating thing to watch, this strange combination of compassion and criticism, something that I’m sure can only be born from a genuine love of someone who cares deeply.

“Can you grab the towel there?” Casey calls over to me, and I pull a hand towel from the shelf below the sink. “Thanks. Oh, hey, can you wet it? Yeah, thanks.”

He takes the towel and uses it to wipe Luke’s face. Luke is still only half-conscious, but awake enough to control a string of every curse word he knows. Casey only rolls his eyes at his friend’s impotent tirade and drags him back to his feet. I jump in to help, and between the two of us, we manage to get Luke back in bed.

“Here, drink this,” Casey commands, holding a water bottle to Luke’s lips.

“I don’t want it!” Luke slurs, trying to wave it away.

“Drink it, you idiot!” Casey continues, turning the bottle up. Luke curses him as water spills down his chin and onto his bare chest.

“Can you find a pair of boxers or something in his drawer?” he asks me.

I nod, relieved that Casey is willing to take on that challenge as well. I find an acceptable option, and by the time I return to the scene, Casey has managed to get Luke to drain a bottle of water on his own. I hand him the shorts and move toward the bathroom.

“I’ll clean up in here.”

“Thanks,” Casey calls after me.

I’m not surprised there are no cleaning supplies, after all who would need them in a place where maid service is a phone call away, so I do my best with water and more towels. Casey’s nursing skill quickly becomes apparent, however, when I realize there’s not much to clean up. I wonder how many times they’ve been through this routine. Still, I make sure to give them enough time to finish their own mission before returning to the bedroom.

Luke is already tucked in and sleeping when I get back.

“He’ll be ok. We’ll get more water in him a little later,” Casey assures me.

“Casey…”

He glances up at me, waiting, but I’m not sure how to continue. I want him to know what I’m feeling, how much I admire what I just saw, how grateful I am for him, but it all gets stuck on my tongue.

“Um…you can go enjoy your friends if you’d like. I’ll stay with him.”

He gives me a silly grin as he straightens to his feet and stretches.

“Are you kicking me out and telling me to go play with my friends?”

I blush but relax when I can tell he’s amused, not a

“No, that’s not what I meant, I just…if you want to…I like your company.”

He smiles and shakes his head. “Well, they’re not my friends, anyway. I don’t even know most of them. I’m not even sure Luke does either.” He pauses and glances down at his clothes. “I could use a shower, though. You never really get used to puke.”