We Are Us

Chapter 50 New York City

I hadn’t intended to call Gavin, or to walk to Central Park, but I couldn’t bear to spend the rest of the day trapped inside. Taking advantage of the unseasonably mild winter day, I headed instead for one of my favorite spots, calling him on the way.

I extend the small bag of red, ripe raspberries I bought after leaving Reese’s office. “It’s not quite the same as picking it ourselves, but it’s the best I could do.”

He accepts it with an almost rueful grin, tossing a few berries into his mouth. “I guess you do still owe me.”

The Ramble has always reminded me of the Sackett Preserve. At thirty-six acres, it’s about the same size. And unlike most of the Park, its narrow, winding paths aren’t meticulously tended and landscaped. The natural forest is allowed to grow wild here. All my favorite trees are present, plus several non-native and exotic species. It’s a haven for birds, too. I’ve spent many afternoons wandering these woods, getting lost in my memories.

Especially on the days my old nemesis, bulimia, would beckon me. Tempting me with false promises of indulgence and then emptiness. Cramming myself so full that, for a few, fleeting moments, even the most hollow, aching, barren places inside me were stuffed and sated.

“Consider it a debt repaid,” I reply, smiling back. My chest feels lighter already, the stress and worry that has built up inside me dissipating with each passing minute I spend beside Gavin. I’ve forgotten how freeing it is just to take a deep breath.

“Now all we have to do is find a cave to hide out in and we’ll feel right at home.”

“We’re almost a century too late for that, I’m afraid.” At Gavin’s interested look, I explain. “The original developers of Central Park found a cave as they excavated the site. It wasn’t part of their plans, but they decided to line the entrance with boulders, and build a stone staircase leading into it. For years, it was a popular attraction. A play area for kids and a romantic spot for couples.”

With his free hand, Gavin reaches for one of mine, our fingers naturally intertwining. “Yeah, caves are good for that.”

Whispers of memory rush at me as we meander along the wooded pathways, afternoon sun slanting unevenly through the sparse leafy canopy overhead. “It didn’t last though. By the turn of the century, the Cave had become a seedy, scary place. There was a suicide, several robberies, and an increasing number of homeless were using it as a shelter. The final straw came when over three hundred men were arrested for,” I use air quotes, “a

“A

I nudge him with my elbow. “I think they meant harassing. But yes, I think a

He laughs and I want to wrap myself up in the warm, husky sound, make a cloak of it and keep it around my shoulders forever. “I think we’d need to build a few more prisons.”

“Well, back in the nineteen thirties, New York decided to solve the problem by sealing off the Cave.”

“Leaving men free to a

“Maybe the cops should do another sweep of construction zones.”

“There’s got to be a suggestion box somewhere. I’m sure they’ll get right on it.”

We fall silent for a few minutes, and when we come to a waterfall, Gavin points to a spot sheltered by an enormous weeping willow. “How about here?”

I nod, and we sit down like we used to, side by side, our feet outstretched in front of us. I take a raspberry from the bag and put it into my mouth, the tart juice flooding my tongue.

“So, how are you holding up?” Gavin asks.

“No.” I shake my head. “I realize I’m a complete disaster right now, but can we please talk about you? Not because I need a distraction, but—” I break off, feeling out of breath for no reason other than I’m choking on a sudden rush of my own emotions. “I’ve really missed you, Gavin. But I don’t know anything about who you are now, and what you’ve been doing for the past five years.”

“Only the past five? It’s been longer than that since we’ve spent any length of time together.”

“True. But at least your messages allowed me small peeks into your life.”

He frowns. “You never responded. I wasn’t sure you ever got them.”

“I did. Every single one.” I sigh, tilting my head to rest it on his shoulder and squeezing my eyes closed as pain twists through me. I can see the hurt I inflicted on Gavin that day so clearly, his reluctance to believe the awful words I spewed. He stood there, giving me every chance to take them back, to take him back. But I hadn’t. I’d been too convinced I was right. That the time for second chances had passed. That we were over. “I understand why you stopped though. I was really awful to you that day at my apartment. Really, really awful.”

“Well, I did just show up out of the blue, the week before your wedding. I should have known better.”

“No.” My heart aches with regret. “I should have known better. I should have done better. And, I want you to know, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it. The things I said about you, about us, I didn’t mean any of it.”

Gavin swears beneath his breath and curves his arm around my waist, his hand slipping beneath my coat, his thumb sweeping across the sliver of skin between my sweater and slacks. “You don’t know how good it feels to hear you say that.”

His touch sends a scatter of goose bumps over my arms, the tiny hairs standing on end. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. You did what you thought was right at the time.”

“Things would be so different if I had just—”

“Let’s not go down that road. We’re here now, together. That’s what matters.”

I release a shuddering breath. “Okay. You’re right. So, catch me up. I don’t even know if you’re seeing anyone.”

Gavin blinks at me, his eyes still interlocking layers of blue, from the palest robin’s egg to the richest indigo sky. Lashes so long and thick they cast a shadow over the high crest of his cheekbones. His tawny hair is longer than it was the last time I saw him, and my fingers twitch with the desire to run my hands through it. “Starting with the most important information, I see.”

A flush crawls up my throat, burning the tips of my ears, and I duck my head, embarrassed. Technically, you’re still married, Poppy. Don’t make a fool of yourself. “Sorry. You’re right, of course. It’s none of my business.”

“Stop. I was kidding.” Gavin reaches for my chin and brings my gaze back to his. His eyes rove hungrily over my face, twin flames of desire and vulnerability burning inside them. “I won’t lie and say I’ve been a monk these past years. I tried to get over you, Poppy. I tried and failed. Because you’re the only one who’s ever claimed a piece of my heart. And you still have it, even now.”

His candid admission knocks the breath right out of my chest, each gorgeous word wringing oxygen from my lungs until I’m dizzy with love and longing. “You know I don’t deserve you, right? I’m a disaster.”

“Luckily for me, it’s not your decision to make.”

My eyes drop to the silver scar marking the skin between his lower lip and chin, a final token of his father’s misplaced rage. I lift my hand up, dragging my thumb over Gavin’s mouth as an explosion of heat detonates somewhere deep in my belly. “Please tell me your mother came to her senses and forgave you.”

“She did.” His kisses the palm of my hand and I bite back a groan. Despite our outwardly casual conversation, my body is reacting to Gavin’s proximity and touch in an entirely different kind of communication. “After she started seeing a guy who didn’t get his kicks by beating her up every other week. They got married last year.”