We Are Us

The thought of going through this again sends a wave of nausea crashing into me. “Yes.”

Her eyes flick to the clock on her desk. “We have a few more minutes. I’d like to ask about the student you were with, Tucker Stockton.”

The way she says his name makes me think that she’s been told to tread lightly here. That further revelations concerning him will not be appreciated.

I don’t say anything, waiting for an actual question.

“Is there anything that happened in Tucker’s room, prior to him seeking out your resident advisor for help, that you were uncomfortable with?”

“Uncomfortable…” My throat feels like it’s been reduced to the width of a straw, and I have to force the syllables out. “No. We were just hanging out.”

“And have you spent time together since then?”

“Not—not really,” I stammer. “He’s mostly my roommate’s friend.”

Joha

I shake my head. “N-no.”

Uncrossing her legs, Joha

“My feelings for Tucker?” The air in my lungs evaporates, the synapses in my brain screeching to a halt. I hadn’t anticipated this question. And I have no idea how to answer it—because I can’t begin to put my feelings for Tucker into words. They are an assembly of emotions that attack me like overzealous wasps, stinging over and over with relentless, unerring accuracy.

Fear. Anger. Regret. Grief. Confusion. Shame.

“I, um.” I notice her looking at my hands, which are curled into fists, my nails digging into my palms. Awareness flickers on her face, sympathy warming her gaze. But there is something else, too. Reluctance. If I tell her what really happened, if I confirm her suspicions, then she’ll have to do something about it. She’ll have to take my story to people only interested in accolades about a Stockton. Make a case against Tucker on behalf of a drunken scholarship student who refused a rape kit and hasn’t told anyone the truth of what happened. Has actively lied about it to everyone who’s asked.

Joha

I quickly unclench my fists and slide my fingers beneath my thighs, saving her the trouble. “I’m just grateful Tucker went for help. He saved my life.”

What I see next on Joha

I don’t blame her. If I won’t fight for myself, why should anyone else?