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“Sure is,” the doctor a
Family.
I hold Poppy’s face in my hands, the love I feel for her an endless well surging through my veins, pounding within my heart. “You’ve been my family since the very first day we met in the woods. You held up a deck of cards and told me you usually play Solitaire, remember?”
Poppy nods her head shakily. “I remember. I haven’t had to play alone for a long, long time.”
“I’ll always be your partner. You and me.”
“We are us,” she whispers.
“Before kids and after. Before our vows and after. You are my everything.”
WE ARE US is… a lot. A lot of emotion, a lot of story, and a lot of my heart and soul. If you’d like to know just how this story came to be, and maybe see a little further into Poppy’s state of mind after that night, please keep reading. A letter from me to you
The question I am most often asked about being an author is: Where do you find your inspiration? My answer is usually: everywhere. Movies and TV. Overheard conversations. The news. A story shared by a friend.
WE ARE US started with a source much closer to home. As a college freshman, I had a very similar experience to Poppy. And by similar, I mean exact in every way except that, of course, I was not assaulted by my fictional Tucker Stockton.
I was just a girl, a very drunk girl, who went into the room of a guy I thought was cute and nice. I remember flirting with him and kissing him. And I remember wanting to stop because the room started spi
…And then I woke up in a hospital bed.
I was told what Poppy was told: that I was lucky to be alive, that there was evidence of sexual assault, and was then asked to consent to a rape kit.
Poppy’s feelings, actions, and choices are all echoes of what I did, how I felt, and my own decisions. I refused the rape kit. I denied what had happened. And, shortly after returning from the hospital, I even found myself in a room with the guy who assaulted me (let’s call him not-Tucker)
Not-Tucker apologized, sincerely, for what he did to me. He cried about his mistake, talked about his feelings, his regret, even his sister who he hoped would never experience what he’d done to me.
Not-Tucker didn’t ask about my feelings, and I didn’t volunteer them.
Like Poppy, I stood between two doors. Rape, with all that that four-letter-word entailed, or mistake. I chose mistake. Do I regret it? No, because at the time, to my barely eighteen-year-old self, the other option seemed so much worse. I wasn’t thinking about right or wrong, black or white, silent or loud. I didn’t want to make waves or be the subject of ugly, judgmental gossip. I felt horribly, achingly, alone. All I wanted was for the hurt go away and my life to go back to the way it was.
Of course, that didn’t happen. I spent the rest of the year walking through campus, feeling like an open wound, terrified of ru
And I also fantasized about befriending not-Tucker. Why? Because I thought it would make what happened easier to deal with. Friends forgive each other. Friends don’t skip class to avoid ru
I know now that my behavior isn’t unusual. Survivors of sexual assault often pursue relationships with their attackers to regain a sense of control after it is ripped from them.
It doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human.
Reading WE ARE US, you may have had a hard time understanding Poppy’s choices. If you’ve never faced a similar situation yourself, it is nearly impossible to imagine. I hope that one day, victims of assault won’t face so many negative repercussions to coming forward.
As for Tucker, although he was certainly a villain in my story, I purposely chose to show glimpses of his good qualities. Few of us are either all bad or all good. We are usually a messy mix of both, veering (hopefully) toward mostly good.
I don’t believe that not-Tucker is or was a bad person. He did a horrible thing that, even now, I have a hard time defining as rape. Even now, I don’t want to think of myself as a victim. From what I observed, that night was a wake up call to him. Not nearly as much as it could have been, had I chosen to press charges. But, in my gut, I truly believe that not-Tucker went on to live a kind and compassionate life, as have I.
Ultimately, I did not transfer schools. And unlike my fictional Poppy and Tucker, I had no further contact with not-Tucker after his apology (other than seeing him on campus occasionally). I put that night behind me, one day at a time—although it was hardly a healthy process.
I coped, if you can call it that, by retreating into myself and then later, by engaging in meaningless sex with countless men. I treated my body like it didn’t matter. I thought, if I can give it away to relative strangers in clumsy, drunken one-night stands, then having my sexuality taken from me, just that once, while I was unconscious, shouldn’t be a big deal.
But it was a big deal. Somehow those few minutes I couldn’t remember became an event—a trauma—I’d never forget.
I also coped by binging and purging. Bulimia became like a friend, or at least a frenemy. I chased that feeling of fullness until fullness became pain, and then with my fingers down my throat, I made myself empty again. Light and clean. Powerful and in control.
There is so much of me in Poppy, but I feel that I should tell you, her miscarriage is not taken from direct personal experience. Although my first and second pregnancies were touch and go at some points, I never had to face that kind of loss. I can only hope that I’ve done justice to all of you who have.
There is no “right” way to deal with sexual assault or eating disorders or miscarriage, and I am not qualified to give advice in any of these areas. Below I’ve included contact information for places that offer help.
Thank you for reading WE ARE US and taking this journey with me. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’m so glad we made it through together.
May you find your own happily ever after,
Tara Leigh
(And to read more from me, turn the page for an excerpt from THRONE OF LIES)
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673
RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
(800) 931-2237
Miscarriage Matters
SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support