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I make my way up the spiral staircase and grunt when she continues following me. “Not interested, Lou-Lou.”
When she follows me into my office, I begin fuming. “Get out.”
“No.” She crosses her arms over her chest which only pushes her tits up and I have to look away. “I'm not scared to be in here with you.”
She reaches for my hand but I back away, I've had about enough. “Take off your clothes.”
She gapes at me. “What? No.”
I drag her to the door. “Then get out.”
She digs her feet into the floor. “If you would just talk to me....and we could talk like we used to, you wouldn't have to continue beating yourself up about it.”
“I'm not beating myself up about it, Lou-Lou,” I lie. “Because I don't care.”
I open the door and motion for her to leave. “I just don't want to talk to you because I have nothing else to say to you. I told you to stay away from me and I meant it.”
She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against the door frame. “I won't ask you why I'm here anymore, Ricky. You're right, it doesn't matter.”
When she opens her eyes they're glassy. “Please don't shut me out. I know...our relationship is fucked. One moment we're up, the next we're down. One second you're consoling me after one of my episodes, and the next you're a tyrant and I'm a bitch...but you're all I have, Ricky.”
She takes a step forward and my heart starts to shake. “I need to feel you again.” Her hand clutches her chest. “I need...I need you to fit right inside here again just like you always have. So I'm asking you to please let me in.”
She takes another step forward. “Whatever it is...whatever makes you act this way...whatever it is that you're going through...we can get through it together. I know we can, Ricardo.”
Her hand reaches up to touch my face but I snatch it forcefully because I can feel myself starting to bend...and if I'm not careful; I'll keep bending 'til I break for her.
That's something neither of us can afford to have happen right now.
“I'm not something that can be fixed, Lou-Lou. Last time I checked...you were the broken one...not me. Whoever you thought I was and whatever you thought we had doesn't exist anymore. I'm the very thing you fear and the sooner you realize that...the better off you'll be.”
I back her into the wall beside the door and deliver the final blow. The one I know will make her leave and stop coming back. “I told you not to go looking for monsters and you ignored that warning.” I lean in and peer down at her. “Now get the fuck out of my office before I continue where we left things off the last time. This is your last and final warning.”
The sting from her hand across my cheek is much less than what my behavior warrants, but the feeling of complete and utter loss when she walks away is exactly what I deserve.