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Chapter 23 (Lou-Lou)
I wake up enclosed in a pair of muscular arms, my head against a hard chest. I breathe in the scent of his skin and nuzzle my cheek against his shirt.
Until I look down at the burnt tub filled with singed dandelions and the events from last night all come rushing back.
Along with the pain in his voice and the feeling of his body shaking against me as his tears mixed with mine in the dark.
My heart recoils and I reach for his face.
“Don't, Lou-Lou.” His voice is a deep rasp. “Don't you dare forgive me for this.”
He shifts us so we're upright and cups my face in his hands. “See me for what I am...and hate me for what I am.”
There's a twinge in my heart with those words. “I do...and I—”
“You're not a stupid girl. You know wrong from right...you know there's no gray when it comes to certain things.” He closes his eyes. “And men like me don't deserve to be forgiven by women like you.”
He opens his eyes and I almost jump back because they're so much darker than they ever were before. “I'm a bad man, Lou-Lou.”
His hand slips to the back of my neck and he pulls me close to his chest where I can feel his heart beating erratically against my own. “This black thing in my chest belongs to you...but it's poison...and nothing good will come from loving it. I'll only drain you, Lou-Lou. I'll keep taking everything until I take the very best of you. The parts I don't deserve.”
He sweeps his thumbs over my cheeks. “We are toxic together, baby. I only end up hurting you even though you're all I want to save and protect.”
When I open my mouth to protest he says, “You know it's true...you know the things I'm responsible for. You know what you've sacrificed for me. I'm no good for you, Lou-Lou.”
Both my heart and stomach reel and he looks away. “So as soon as the time is right, I will let you go again.”
He stands up. “Until then, stop asking me why you're here, because it doesn't matter and I'll never tell you.” His forehead creases and he grips the wall. “And don't come into my office or come looking for me again...otherwise I'll be forced to lock you in your bedroom for good.”
I spring up from the bathtub, both my anger and heart pounding. “What? No—”
His jaw hardens. “What did I do to you last night?”
“You—” I look down at the floor. “You didn't rape me.”
I'm not dense and I'm far from naïve...I know what happened. I know that even though he didn't do that to me...what he did was still wrong.
It just punctures something inside me to come to terms with it...it also makes me want to vindicate him because I still love him.
I know the guilt he feels over it...and I know he's sorry.
What he doesn't realize is...it's not the fact that he didn't rape me that separates him from the others.
It's the fact that he feels remorse for it.
And even if he only has afflictions when it comes to me and nothing else in this world...it makes a difference.
It doesn't absolve him of his mistakes...but it shows me his humanity. It shows me there's something worth saving. Even if I'm the only one who can see it.
“Don't excuse what I did...and don't mistake who I am.” He pounds the wall with his fist. “Don't look for color in the dark...because there is none.”
He opens the door but pauses and looks me in the eyes. “Don't go looking for the monsters, Lou-Lou. Stay far away so they can't find you.”