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Chapter 22 (Ricardo)
I grip my chest as I watch her run out of the room like she's ru
Because she is.
I can't believe I almost...
My head pounds and flashbacks of my mother stab through my heart until my body goes numb.
And there's nothing but shame.
Shame like I've never felt before rises up in my throat until my guts churn and I grab the nearest trashcan and puke.
I drag my sorry ass over to the bathroom and turn on the shower before I strip down.
The steam fills up the room, but I catch my reflection and my eyes stay glued to my right bicep.
“Maybe it was for the best after all,” I say out loud, my voice starting to crack. “You won't have to suffer now, Thumper. You won't have to watch yourself turn into the monster that your father was.”
I stare into my dark eyes, which look more and more like his with every day that passes. “I won, DeLuca.” I slam my fist into the mirror and watch it shatter. “Because it ends with me.”
Blood oozes from my hand and I watch it drip and fall onto the clean, white tiles.
DeLuca blood.
Something heavy inside my chest lifts when I realize the solution I've been searching for was right in front of my face the entire time.
The people I love don't have to die.
Only I do.
I throw on fresh clothes and walk out of my office...only to be greeted by a frantic Marlene. “She did something to the lock on the bathroom door. I can't open it and—”
She doesn't have a chance to finish because I'm shoving her aside and ru
Of course, she'd be a mess right now. Because I did this to her. I didn't just cross a line with her...I burned and scarred it for life.
When I reach her room, the smoke alarm in her bedroom is going off and I can see smoke coming from underneath the bathroom door.
Fear lodges in my throat, it's so thick I barely manage to stand as I kick the door down.
But it's what I find on the other side of the door that brings me to my goddamn knees.
The lights are off...but the bathtub is lit up in flames.
I watch as Lou-Lou strikes a match and holds it up to the dandelion in her hand.
When it catches fire, she tosses it into the already growing fire in the bathtub.
“Monsters never die,” she cries, her entire body trembling. “They always find me.”
Her voice is so soft, so fragile...it's almost a whisper.
She plucks another dandelion from the broken vase and I crawl across the floor to her. “Lou—”
A guttural scream rips from her throat. “Why do the monsters always find me, Daddy? Why can't you protect me from the monster?”
“Baby, I'm not a—” I can't even finish that sentence because that's exactly what I am to her now. I reach for her arm but she lunges head first for the bathtub. “No, Daddy.”
I manage to yank her back from burning herself just in the nick of time. “Lou-Lou it's me,” I whisper as I clutch her against me. “It's just me—”
“Monster,” she screams, her vocal chords shredding. “Don't touch me.”
Her sobs are inaudible and she fights against me some more but I grab her face and force her to look at me. “It's me, Lou-Lou. It's Ricky.”
She slams a fist into my chest. “Don't touch me, Ricky. I hurt everywhere again. You hurt me everywhere.”
Her statement is like a kick straight to the heart and I let go of her.
She lunges for the fire again but I reach over and turn on the faucet. “The water doesn't wash it away. Maybe the flames will.” She tries grabbing the matches off the floor but I wrap an arm around her waist. “Lou-Lou, stop.” She attempts to headbutt me and we wrestle for the matches on the floor for a good minute until I wrap both my arms around her. “I'm sorry, baby,” I tell her softly. “Lou-Lou, I am so fucking sorry.”
I can't see her anymore because the fire has died out, but I feel her body break out into a fresh batch of sobs.
“He raped me,” she says into the dark.
“I know what that monster did to you. I know he used to hurt—”
“Not that monster...the other monster.”
Rage that I have no right to feel anymore flares inside me. “W—”
“First time was in the conference room when I was 21...after I found out that he was helping my father run for mayor and I confronted him about it.” She squeezes the arm I have wrapped around her waist. “He took me on his desk...took me in the way that you almost did in your office tonight. It was his way of teaching me a lesson. His way of putting me in my place so I learned to fear him instead of standing up to him. He said I became too bold...too powerful.”
My heart drops. There's no way I can ever undo what I just did to her. The horrible shit that I just put her through. “Lou—”
“You noticed, Ricky. You might be a heartless bastard now...but I know you still have a soul somewhere inside you. So you had to have noticed.”
“I don''t know—”
She digs her nails into my arm until I ease my grip and she turns around to face me. “You said you noticed everything about me.”
“I do.”
She grabs my cheeks and even though we're in the dark, I can feel her eyes on mine. “Then you had to have noticed the exact moment that I stopped wanting it.”
She leans her forehead against mine and my eyes begin burning with unshed tears. “It doesn't matter that you didn't rape me, Ricky. Because you kept going...you kept going after you felt the shift in me. You kept going until you scared me. Until you proved your point and had taken all the control and left me completely powerless.”
Disgust twists my guts because she's right. I was in a haze, a fog of anger. I wanted the power, the control. I wanted to make her pay for things that weren't her fault. I was trapped in the darkest place I'd ever been before...a place where Lou-Lou's light doesn't shine.
My vision becomes blurry and my body starts to shake.“I'm sorry. I'm so—”
She lets go of me and hauls herself into the bathtub. I go to join her but she pushes me away. “You're not welcome in here anymore,” she whispers into the darkness. “I called out for my Ricky to save me...I needed him to save me...but he wasn't there.”
“I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry. ” I reach for her hand and kiss it. “Il mio piccolo superstite.”
She jerks her hand back. “I'm not yours anymore.” She throws a fistful of burnt dandelions in my face. “I don't want another monster, Ricardo. I've had more than my fair share in this lifetime already.”
“You're right, you have.” Despite her protests, I crawl into the bathtub behind her and crush her against me because she needs to hear this.
And I need to hold onto her right now...because she's my gravity, the only thing that centers me.
My arms tighten around her, too afraid to let go. “I can't take back what I did tonight, but I swear on everything I love that I'll kill them all for you. I'll take them all away if it's the last thing I do.”
I want her to know how much I love her. I need her to know that under all my layers of fucked up—I'd do anything for her and I'll stop at nothing to protect her.
I press a kiss to her temple. “I'll never be your hero...but I'll save you, Lou-Lou. I promise I will.”
She curls up in my arms and her tears soak through my shirt. “I don't care about me. How do I save you, Ricky?”