Blame it on the shame Part 2

Chapter 41 (Ricardo)

 

A sound so gut-wrenching, so guttural, and so utterly heartbreaking escapes from her mouth. The sound is so deafening, I can feel it down to my vital organs, vibrating through me.

I open my mouth to tell her that the last few things I said were strictly out of anger and despite their last conversation she wasn't the cause of Tyrone's stabbing, because I am...but I can't because she opens the car door and takes off ru

I chase after her, assuming she's heading for the apartment but I'm wrong.

The pavement is slick due to the rain now coming down in buckets but she continues sprinting down the block like a bat out of hell. She's ru

She makes a sharp turn at the end of the block, heading for the church on the corner. A sick feeling washes over me when I catch up to her.

"It's locked," she says while banging her forehead against the wooden door. "It's never locked."

I take a step forward, intending to tell her it's not the end of the world and I'm sure it will be open tomorrow, but she collapses against the door in a fit of violent sobs.

"I'm sorry." She sobs so hard she stops breathing. "I'm so sorry, Thumper."

I don't know who Thumper is or why she's hysterically apologizing, but I need to find out.

I reach for her arm and gently turn her around as I kneel down in front of her. My chest clenches as I take in her tear stained face and the way she's trembling. "Lou-Lou," I whisper, feeling like the fog I've been seeing her through for the last few months has been lifted. I cradle her face in my hands, desperate to know what's going on. "Give me a truth."

She falls back against the door and her sobs get louder.

I know that whatever she's about to say is going to rip my foundation out from under me and nothing will ever be the same.

However, nothing could have ever prepared me for what happens next.

She curls her arms around herself and screams, "I want my baby."

I have to put my shock on the back burner because she's shaking so hard, for a moment, I think she's having a seizure. I gather her in my arms and cradle her to my chest.

"Is that who Thumper is?" I ask softly while rocking her in my arms like I used to when she was upset.

"Was," she chokes out and my stomach twists into the most painful knot. "I didn't protect my baby like I should have. It's all my fault."

I feel her entire body tense and she shoots me such a vile look before she bites out, "Because I chose you."

My head pounds, my vision blurs, and I have to look down because the impact of her statement hurts so much I'm positive I must have a physical wound from it.

"You were pregnant?" I question, my voice shaking. "Our baby is g—"

I pause as Tyrone's words echo in my head. He was right...she's been grieving all these months.

She's been grieving something that no woman should ever have to go through because the loss is so profound.

I hold her tighter to me. "It's not your fault, Lou-Lou."

She shakes her head profusely and rolls out of my arms. "DeLuca found out I was pregnant and when he confronted me I said it was Luke's," she rasps between sobs. "So you see? It's all my fault because I chose you instead of my baby."

I'm torn in two because I want to continue consoling her as she's falling apart...but I also want to—no need to—get my ass on the next plane to Italy so I can murder him in cold blood.

I reach for her but she swats me away. "I hate you," she wails. "If I didn't love you...if I didn't choose you...then my baby would be safe."

I close my eyes as a rush of emotions hit me. "It's all my fault," she finishes. Her voice is so hoarse I can barely even hear her.

I take off my sweatshirt and put it on her before I lift her into my arms and start walking back to the apartment.

All while she continues crying her heart out as the rain pours down on us both.

For months I've done nothing but blame, accuse, and threaten her.

All while she's been suffering in silence...just like she's been forced to do for most of her life.

All while she continued to protect me...in order to save my life.

 

All while she was ripping my heart out...just to show me how black it was.

 

When we reach the complex I head straight for my apartment. As soon as I'm in I grab a few towels and walk into my bedroom.

She's still shaking and crying and it's breaking my fucking heart all over again.

I put her down and begin drying her off. We're both soaking wet but I couldn't give a fuck about me right now.

I have a million questions for her—questions like, 'why didn't she tell me she was pregnant with our baby?' but she's not in the state to give me answers at the moment.

I bring the towel over her arm and the glint from her wedding ring catches my eye. On impulse, I reach for her finger to take it off.

She's never going near him again...I'll make sure of it.

She looks down at me with those glassy doe eyes so full of heartache and despair and my insides shred.

I did that. I'm the reason for that soul-crushing, haunting look behind those big brown eyes now.

I was supposed to save her, fix her, and protect her. But I didn't. Instead, I let DeLuca ruin her.

I feel the simmering rage inside me begin to rise. I drop the towel on the floor and stand up. There's only one thing on my mind right now. Wiping DeLuca's face off the planet for once and all.

I don't give a fuck about the council or the repercussions. All I want— is to see him fighting for his last breath while I continue torturing the living shit out of him—doing things that nightmares are made of and making him beg for mercy.

I want him to pay for every single fucking thing he ever did to me...to her.

I make my way over to my closet, grab a bag, and start filling it with various weapons.

I don't have a game plan, other than making him suffer before I kill him, but I don't need one.

Lou-Lou stares at me wide-eyed. "W-what are you doing?"

I drop my shoulders and look down, every time I look at her, all I feel is shame. "I'll be back in a couple of days. Don't leave this apartment. I'll have Jackson check on you in a few hours."

She walks over to the door, purposely blocking it. "No."

"Lou-Lou—" I start to say until her loud sobs cut me off. "I hate you, but I can't lose you."

Her words make my chest ache for multiple reasons. I sling the bag over my shoulder and walk over to where she's standing. "This ends tonight." He ends tonight.

"You can't, Ricardo."

"Give me one good reason."

I barely have time to catch her when she jumps into my arms. "Because I need you." She slides down my body, wraps her arms around my waist, and buries her head in my chest. "Don't leave me tonight."

Every muscle in my body strains, not only because I feel myself cave, but because I missed her touch more than I ever thought I would.

No one touches me like she does...no one ever will.

I don't protest when she takes my hand and leads me to the bed before she sits down.

When I drop down beside her she throws her arms around my neck and sinks against me. "I need you." Her voice catches as her sobs pick up again. "I need you to make it all go away, even if it's only for a little while. Please, just take it all away."