Blame it on the shame Part 2

Guilt hits me because I know she deserves more than this.

Even though things really are going great—Jackson and Tyrone still think we're not serious and we're both seeing other people.

I told Lou-Lou I would tell them the truth but she said not to because if they ever accidentally slipped up about just how serious we are and Luke or someone else overheard—and it got back to DeLuca...we’d be fucked.

That’s when I told her that I spoke to DeLuca and told him that I told everyone at the club we were dating in order to keep her safe.

She said that was a bad move and it would be best to have DeLuca continue thinking we didn't get along. This way, he wouldn't suspect anything.

Then she reminded me what would happen if he did ever suspect anything between us. He would most likely retaliate by hurting or killing Tyrone and Jackson.

I had no choice but to agree with her...because she's right.

And I fucking hate it.

She twists her hair into some kind of knot on top of her head and stands up. "I'm go

I reach for her hand and pull her back to me because another thought hits me. "Is someone giving you trouble at the club?"

I don't miss the hesitation in her eyes before she waves a hand and says, "What? No. Everything is fine."

Bullshit...and I know exactly who the fucker is causing problems.

It’s that douchebag...Luke. I constantly catch him eyeing her body and adjusting himself while licking his lips.

I told him to cut it the fuck out and I thought he listened, but evidently not.

Unfortunately, seeing as he's one of DeLuca's men...he's under the impression that Lou-Lou and I aren't actually seeing one another and it's all a ruse.

Of course, I can't tell the fucker otherwise because he'll be all too happy to squeal to DeLuca.

However, I can remind the motherfucker about his place in my club and issue another warning when it comes to Lou-Lou...this time with my fists. "I'll take care of Luke."

Her eyes open wide. "Yeah, great idea. I'm sure DeLuca won't find that suspicious. Look, babe—he's already aware of the way Luke looks at me. It's been that way ever since I was a kid." She lifts a shoulder in a shrug. "DeLuca's not worried about it because Luke knows DeLuca will kill him if he crosses the line."

Anger flares deep in my gut because I want it to be me who's protecting her...not him.

She crinkles her nose "Although he does always manage to be extra creepy in the dressing rooms where conveniently there are no camera's."

She walks toward the bathroom. "But it's nothing I can't handle." She stops and gives me a smile. "I have a mean right hook...remember?"

When I don't return her smile she rolls her eyes and walks into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on a moment later.

I stand up and fight the urge to put my fist through the wall.

Fuck that...my fist will be handling Luke's face after the fights over tonight.

I stuff down the other impulse that rears its head.

Being that Lou-Lou now occupies my nights and I have no desire to ever leave her...it's been a month since I've been to the warehouse with Emilio.

He hasn't asked me about it but if I had to take a guess, I think he's relieved.

The guilt is killing me...but when I look at Lou-Lou all that shit falls by the wayside because she makes me happy.

And it's not just the incredible sex—it's the conversations, the way my heart races whenever she’s in the same room as me, the little 'truths' we tell one another before we fall asleep every night.

The fact that I can even manage to fall asleep in the first place.

She's everything I never knew I needed.

When she walks out of the bathroom I pull her into another kiss and reach for my gym bag.

"I'm going to the gym with Jackson. It's a big fight tonight and I want to make sure he's prepared."

She tilts her head and looks at me. "You're nervous."

I don't know how she can always manage to read me like a book when no one else can...but she does.

I decide to come clean. "He's fighting a boxer tonight. The guy's got about 15 lbs on him...which doesn't sound like a lot, but given Jackson's an MMA fighter and not a boxer—I need him to stay focused."

I rub the back of my neck. "I have faith in his capabilities...I just—"

"You can't help but worry because you care about them," she finishes for me.

"Yeah. Jesus, I sound like a wimp."

She laughs and folds her arms around my neck. "Not even a little bit. I think it's sexy. I think it takes a real man to care more about others than he does himself. Tyrone and Jackson are lucky to have you." She looks down. "Because let's face it, they wouldn't be alive without you. DeLuca would have killed them off just like all the fighters before them."

A combination of rage and sorrow fills my blood and she curses under her breath. "I'm sorry, Ricky. I keep forgetting—"

I remove her hands and back away. "It's fine. I'll see you later."

With that, I walk out the door.

It might be easy for Lou-Lou to forget that I was a fighter in DeLuca's club...but I never will.

Just like I'll never forget watching all the other fighters around me die.

Emilio was dead wrong when he said the rapist in the warehouse was my first kill...because I was forced to kill my competitor every single night I was in that cage.

And just like the little girl with the hazel eyes, watching my father kill Graham, and recalling how much my mother hated me...I'll never forget what that felt like, either.

Because in that cage...I was powerful.

I stood up to DeLuca and proved him wrong with every punch I landed and every bone I broke.

I wasn't a fucking coward.