Blame it on the shame Part 2

Chapter 26 (Lou-Lou)

I roll my eyes and curse under my breath when the burner phone Emilio gave me rings and I see his name flash on the screen.

I open the door to the apartment lobby and bring the phone to my ear. "What?"

Despite knowing that I'll never forgive him, he keeps trying to as he calls it—protect and look out for me.

"Do you have a minute? Can we meet up?"

I rub my forehead and look at the ceiling. "I'm not really feeling well."

It's not a lie. DeLuca will be flying back in a mere few hours and I have to get ready to spend the next two nights with him.

He lets out a long sigh. "Okay, I understand. I—"

I don't hear Emilio's next statement because some tall redhead with legs for days walks into the lobby. My stomach knots when she presses a long, manicured nail to the button for Ricardo's apartment.

No matter how many times I see the same thing occur...it never gets any easier.

When I hear him buzz her in, my already broken heart somehow manages to crack all over again.

There's no way in hell I'm going back upstairs now. There's no way I can be that close to him when he's doing God only knows what to someone who's not me.

"I—um." I swallow and try again. "I can meet you now," I tell Emilio while trying to control the shaking in my voice.

I hear a sharp intake of breath before he says, "What the hell just happened? Are you okay?"

I blink away tears and clear my throat. "I'm fine. Just watching Ricardo's latest conquest walk up the stairs is all."

"Shit," he mutters before the line goes dead.

I push through the lobby doors and start making my way down the street. Despite my wavering and fucked up feelings for Ricardo, jealousy tears through me and I hate it.

However, I hate the hurt it's causing me even more. I wish the love I have for him would just go away...but it won't.

It's embedded in me like a scar, reminding me of everything we once had...and all the things we'll never have.

I feel a tug on my arm and I instantly look up into a pair of green eyes belonging to Emilio. "Hey," he says while steering me off the sidewalk and toward the back of a building.

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Lou-Lou."

It's the first time he's ever called me Lou-Lou. I want to tell him he hasn't earned the privilege but he looks so solemn and sad, I can't bring myself to say the words.

Instead, I pull my jacket tighter around myself and look down. "What did you want to talk about?"

He jams his hands into his pockets. "I'm not so sure you'd want to hear it anymore. Considering—" he stalls, appearing uncomfortable.

"Considering Ricardo's suddenly made it his mission to screw half the women in New York City?" I finish for him.

He nods and shuffles his feet.

"You can tell me," I say. "I want to know."

"Do you want the good news or the not so good news first?" he asks nervously.

I lift a shoulder in a shrug. "Doesn't matter."

"Well, the good news is that the council is starting to talk about Ricardo again."

I arch an eyebrow. "Shouldn't he be off their radar? How is this a good thing?"

"Because," he says. "The reason they're starting to talk about him again is because they're all starting to doubt DeLuca's capabilities— given it's been over 3 months and you still aren't pregnant. They're starting to wonder if he really broke the curse after all. There's been talk of them possibly stepping in to protect Ricardo now since he is the next in line and DeLuca obviously wants him dead."

Despite half of me hating Ricardo, relief flows through me. "That's great." I give him a curious look. "So, what's the bad news?"

His eyebrows pinch together and he reaches for my hand. "I'm afraid of what it might mean for you. I didn't...all I thought about was saving Ricardo's life back then. I didn't think about—"

"What it would mean for me once DeLuca finds out I can't get pregnant."

He gives me a sheepish look and nods.

I should be ready to fall apart right now. I should be scared out of my mind but the only thing I feel is...grateful.

"It's okay," I tell him. He looks at me like I've sprouted another head but I continue, "Honestly, Emilio. I'm okay with this. I'm ready—"

I don't get a chance to finish that sentence because he shoves me against the brick wall. "No," he says gruffly. "Don't you dare say shit like that."

He's never acted like this with me before and I'm not sure what to think.

"I'm so sorry," he says. My chest caves in because it's the same phrase I myself utter every night. "God, I'm so fucking sorry for what I did to you." He squeezes my shoulder blade. "I'll figure out a way to get you out of this," he vows.

I turn my head to the side so he can't see just how much his statement is affecting me. "You sound just like him," I whisper. "Ricardo used to say the same thing all the time." This time, I do look at him. "Don't bother, Emilio. Just let it be."

His lips hover over my ear. "If something happens to you, Lou- Lou. He won't survive it."

I want to point out that Ricardo would survive just fine with his current revolving door of women but the thought nearly causes me to lose my composure, so instead I say, "You survived."

He sighs. "No. I didn't. I'm just existing. And only so I can watch over him like I promised I would."

He looks down at his watch and curses. "DeLuca will be landing within the hour." He scrubs a hand down his face. "I should warn you, he's going to be very determined this weekend. My source said the council came down hard on him."

"It's nothing I can't handle," I mutter.

His thumbs graze over my cheeks. "You shouldn't have to handle it, Lou-Lou." He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. "I hate myself for this. For all of it."

I stay silent because I have absolutely nothing to say to that.

"I used to think you were like her," he whispers. When I open my mouth to argue that I'm nothing like her he says, "But you're not. You're so much stronger."

His thumb brushes my lower lip and I stare at him wide-eyed because I'm not sure what's happening between us right now. There's something so oddly familiar about this moment...something so tender. When his eyes drop down to my mouth—a bout of nervousness shoots through me because despite the familiarity and tenderness, I don't want what's about to happen.

He inches forward and awareness hits me like a bolt of lightning. I immediately push him off me. "You're his father...aren't you?" I bend over and rest my palms on my knees because my breath is coming out hard and fast. "That's why Ricardo's more like you and not him, isn't it? That's the real reason you protect him. Because if DeLuca ever found out he—"

"Jesus, Lou-Lou. No. I'm not his father," he shouts. "Trust me, DeLuca made damn sure Ricardo was his kid before claiming him." He rolls his shoulders back. "Doesn't stop me from wishing I was his father, though." Sorrow sweeps across his face. "Things would have been so much different if that was the case."

I want to ask what things specifically, but he holds up a hand. "Look, I'm sorry for almost...I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I had no right." He squeezes his eyes shut. "I just...being around you makes me miss her even more sometimes."