Blame it on the shame Part 2

Chapter 16 (Lou-Lou)

I place a hand on my belly and draw in another deep breath.

Then I do the calculations again.

In a few days, I'll be 9 weeks along.

Which means, if I don't do this now...I'll miss the very small window of opportunity that still exists.

The only opportunity.

I have one chance to make it across the tightrope and this is it.

I climb into the backseat of the car and Emilio looks at me in the rearview mirror. He doesn't say a word, which is smart because I'm beyond pissed at him for putting drugs in my purse.

At least, I think it was him.

Tyrone would never do that to me, and although Jackson's not my biggest fan, I'm almost positive he wouldn't do that to me, either. Emilio's the only one who could have done it.

However, he's also the only one I can trust and rely on currently. In part, because he knows my biggest secret.

I rub my temples and groan. I'm so tired of being at everyone else's mercy.

I'm about to open my mouth and tell him that I know it was him and demand a reason why...but exhaustion sweeps over me and I stifle a yawn instead. "How long until we get to the airport?"

"Not much longer," he responds. "If you want, you can take a nap and I'll wake you when we get there."

I glance out the window, seeing as we'll be arriving rather shortly, I decide to stay awake. Besides, I can always sleep on the plane.

My eyes become glassy when I think about the current state of my life. I'm pregnant, the man I love hates me, and worst of all?

I'm left with no other choice but to hope that my terrorist can save me because no one else in the world can.

God, it's such a familiar theme.

The bars to my cage are closing around me once more, the air around me becoming suffocating.

Considering how my life has turned out, you'd think I'd be used to this constant state of claustrophobia...but I'm not.

Instead, I find myself making the same wish over and over again, just like when I was a little girl. 'I want to be free.'

A tear falls and I want to curse myself for falling apart right now. I've gone over this a thousand times.

And yet, my stomach churns when I think about what I'm going to have to do in the next 8 hours.

I ball my fists at my sides. This is the only way, I remind myself yet again.

I have to make DeLuca think he's the father.

I've thought about all the other options and none of them will work.

I can't run away because DeLuca will find me. I can't hide the pregnancy because everyone will notice in another month or two, thanks in part to the ring girl uniform I'm forced to adorn.

And I can't, under any circumstances tell Ricardo.

My nausea gets worse and I reach into my bag for a ginger snap. When I lift my head, I notice we're passing the field that Ricardo took me to for my birthday.

I press my forehead against the glass of the window. God, I'd give anything for a dandelion right about now.

Two actually.

Fuck my own freedom...I'd only wish for theirs now.

I rub soothing circles over my belly— I'm not sure if it's more for the baby or me at this point.

I won't let you become DeLuca, I'll raise you to be like the amazing person your actual father is. I silently vow.

I look down. And I'll love you more than my own life...because I already do, Thumper.

I lean back and smile when I think about DeLuca being so much older than I am.

I smile even wider when I think about the fact that there's a good chance he'll kick the bucket before he can influence my baby in any way, shape, or form.

My heart practically leaps from my chest at my next thought.

Maybe then Ricardo and I—Correction—the three of us can find our way back to each other and become a family.

I close my eyes, not only clinging to that hope, but dreaming of it as I drift off to sleep.