Blame it on the shame Part 1

Chapter 14 (Lou-Lou)

 

I take a deep breath and knock on his door.

I know I shouldn't be here right now, but I can't help myself.

I fell asleep in the bathtub and had another flashback.

Then my flashback turned into a nightmare, just like they always do.

And now my skin is crawling and I can't get rid of this feeling.

I can't breathe...I'm suffocating.

I knock again and I'm ready to give up when the door swings open.

I don't think, I just act.

I launch myself into his arms like a slingshot and he catches me. “I need you,” I choke out through strained breaths, not even caring how pathetic I sound.

The force of the impact is enough to make him stumble back.

I'm a trembling, shaking, breathless mess and although Ricardo has every right to send me away for how I treated him a few mornings ago, he doesn't.

Instead, his fingers trace gentle circles up and down my spine and he tells me over and over that I'm safe.

He brings us to the couch and begins rocking me.

“Il mio piccolo superstite,” he whispers as he continues rocking me.

“I don't know what that means,” I say after the worst of my panic attack subsides. I know enough Italian from being around Bruno but I've never heard that phrase before.

“It means 'my little survivor'.”

I don't know how he always knows the right things to say or how he can still be so kind to me when I can be so mean to him.

I close my eyes and lean against his chest. “I wish I was capable of being a better person.”

I wish I was able to be more trusting and loving like others, but it's just not possible.

His brows draw together. “What makes you think you're not?”

“You want the truth?”

He gives me a small nod and I take another deep breath.

“The truth is—my first line of defense is lashing out and being mean because I'm trying to protect myself. I can't help it. It's ingrained in me and it's all I know. I just can't trust people, Ricardo. I've seen the worst of humanity. I know what people are really capable of. I don't want them to see how fragile and vulnerable I am. I don't want them to see all the dirty and ugly because then it gives them the power to break me...and I won't ever allow that to happen. It's just better to push people away.”

He shifts me on his lap so that I'm facing him directly. “You'd be a really bad fighter, Lou-Lou.”

“How can you say that?” I scream. “You know what I've been through. You know what happened to me. How dare you sit there and tell me I'm not strong!”

I start to get off his lap because I'm insulted, but he holds me in place by clamping down on my thighs. “It's not because you're not strong. You're the strongest person I know. You're a bad fighter because you don't know how to take a punch.”

I'm about to argue that life has thrown me quite a few punches, but his thumb grazes my cheek and he says, “Learning how to take a punch the right way and bouncing back from it is just as important as throwing them. It teaches you that you have the ability to get back up again after you get knocked down.”

He tilts my chin up. “You just keep swinging at everything that moves without seeing who your target is. You're too blind to see that you're only fighting yourself—because you never give anyone a chance to get in the ring with you.”

He reaches for my hand. “You're strong...but you're stunted because you're not learning and evolving. You're not living Lou-Lou. I'm not trying to hurt you when I say this...but the truth is that you're stuck in your misery and victim mentality.”

He kisses my hand. “But you don't have to be a victim.”

I never thought about it like that before. I treat people badly and push them away because of my past, because of what was done to me.

I thought being tough and strong and cutting people down would protect me from further harm...but it's only hindering me.

Ricardo may have a point. I have to learn to learn to trust others and believe there's still good people in the world. Despite what my father inflicted.

I don't want to be his victim anymore...but I have no idea how to go about that.

Being a victim is all I've ever known. It's the cloak that wraps around me...it's the cord that strangles me.

“How do I—” I stall and swallow back another sob because being around him makes all my emotions come crashing to the surface.

He runs his hands up and down my arms. “You start small. You start by letting someone in the ring with you. Someone who doesn't want to put out that beautiful fire inside you...but wants to show how to utilize it the right way.”

His voice drops to a whisper. “But you have to let me in.”

A tear trickles down my cheek because my defenses are down.

And for the first time in my life...I want to try. I don't want to keep feeling this way inside. I don't want to be wrapped up in my misery and the shame of my past anymore.

“Okay. I'll try, but what if I screw up? You go

He wipes my tear away with his thumb. “It's okay if you screw up, it's going to happen. I'll still keep coming back for more. I'll keep proving that you can trust me.” He looks down. “On one condition.” He pauses. “Well, two.”

“What?”

His expression changes from one of determination to one of utter heartache and my heart pulls.

Hell, this man could tell me he wants me to rob a bank at gunpoint right now and I'd seriously contemplate it.

He lifts me higher and pulls me tighter to him. “Please don't do drugs. That's a hard limit for me. If you have a craving, or you feel like you did that night...you can always call me. I'll drop everything for you and I'll get you through it. Just please don't use again.”

The pain in his voice right now is like nothing I've ever heard before. “I promise.” I run my hand along his jaw and look into his eyes. “I promise I won't ever use again.”

I fight the urge to tell him that with the exception of last night, I've never actually wanted to use before.

But of course, I can't tell him that. Guilt grips me even harder when he utters his next request. “And never lie to me. I don't care how bad the truth is—don't ever lie to me.”

His eyes bore into me. “I know you love him but I also know you're scared of him, Lou-Lou. And the only way I can keep you safe is if I know everything. I need you to trust that whatever problems may arise with my father that I will be able to handle it and take care of it—as long as you're always honest with me and you don't keep me in the dark about things. You're not a team of one anymore, you have me.”

His voice is filled with such devotion and promise I have to suck in a breath.

“Okay,” I agree.

He gives me that gorgeous smile of his and my heart practically leaps out of my chest.

It's only then that I realize he's shirtless...and I'm still straddling him.

He seems to realize this too because when he looks down I see his adam's apple bob.

Neither of us make a move to get up or fix our position.

Every fiber of my being is telling me to throw caution to the wind and give in to this need that only seems to get stronger the longer I'm around him.

But then I remember the wind is DeLuca...and he's not a cool breeze—he's a tornado destroying everything in his path.

“You don't flinch when I touch you anymore,” he notes.