Even when I'm gone

“No,” I lied, and that bloody lie infiltrated through me to the tips of my fingers as I drummed them against my knee.

What I didn’t think was at all possible, Dr. Butala narrowed his eyes increasing the weight. I could hardly breathe. The lie I’d just told hovered like a dark cloud above me with two huge arrows pointing at my head, blinking “Liar.” My entire body defied what my heart and soul was doing, but my mouth had a mind of its own.

If he knew, he’d apply force, and there was no way in hell I’d ever go back to what I was before. Mia and I only had four months left before we were out of here. Ending up in the psych ward until then wasn’t a part of the plan. Protecting her was.

“Has your arousal balanced?” he asked impassively.

My arousal. I pressed my lips together while Butala struggled to remain serious. My erections only rose at the simplest thought of Mia. Even on the fucking pills, she had been the only one my heart and knob both agreed on. Silently, I thanked my dick for not getting me into too much trouble during the dark time. “My arousal is doing just fine.”

“Good,” he typed a few more notes on his keyboard before he finally looked up at me. “Dr. Conway will be back tomorrow. I think it’s a good idea to pick up counseling sessions once a week until the end of the school year.”

My palm ran down my face. It only meant once a week that Mia would be left alone with Scott. I may trust Scott to keep her from harm, but that was the only thing I trusted him with. Scott was in love with her, and if I were him, I’d never stop trying. You’d be a fool to give up a feeling once it touches you, and Mia didn’t only touch me, she flowed through me. “Is it mandatory?”

Butala jabbed his pointer finger into his mouse with a single click. “Yes, Masters.”

“Then I suppose I don’t have a choice.” I gripped the arms of the chair before I stood, itching to get back to her. “Next week, same time, yeah?”

Butala studied me. “Yes, Oliver. Next week.”

He wasn’t stupid. He knew I wasn’t taking the bloody medication. I only needed him not to push the topic until I breathed the air on the other side of the wall.

I stopped at the loo for a leak before I met Mia in the common room. Classes haven’t started back up yet, and to keep the restless from throwing themselves into trouble, movies played on repeat.

Moaning sounded a few stalls away, and I rolled my head back at the distastefulness of fucking next to a bloody toilet.

“Fuck, yes … ” a whiney voice hissed, and I slammed my eyes shut, focusing on the job at hand—quite literally.

“Ollie,” the girl sang, and my eyes sprang open.

“What the fuck did you just call me?” a bloke asked.

I shook off my knob and zipped my pants, unsure of what to do with myself.

“Oh, just go with it,” she breathed.

The sound of flesh slapping together bounced off the stalls. Over and over. The girl cried my name. The bloke grunted, and I stood frozen.

“Ollie,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. “It’s alright.”

“No,” I seethe through gritted teeth, shaking my head. It isn’t right. What he wants me to do isn’t right. I look up at Oscar, who stands beside me.

“You will, brother. I got her just for you. She’ll comply.” Oscar’s palm hit my nauseated stomach with a condom inside. “Should fit your fourteen-year-old knob, yeah? Get him going, darlin’. It’s time for Lil’ O to enter manhood.”

I freeze, eyes set out in front of me but looking at absolutely nothing as the older girl unzips my pants and Oscar has a tight grip at the back of my neck.

She can’t be much older. Oscar likes them young, and apparently, she was picked and primed for me. Platinum blonde hair. Ice blue eyes. Fake nails. Fake lashes.

If I had to guess, I’d say she’s seventeen or eighteen.

Any boy my age would jump at the idea of losing his virginity to an older girl with a beautiful face and pristine body. Not me. “But I’m saving myself.”

Oscar throws his head back, a menacing laugh escaping. “What for?”

I shrug, unsure exactly. I’d never been the one to have to prove something to anyone. I’d never had to prove myself to Oscar, and I’d read enough books to know that the action about to take place shouldn’t be done lightly, especially with an audience. “When the time is right, I suppose.”

Oscar sends a nod of approval to the girl who he calls, “Lacey,” and Lacey pulls down my pants and boxers.

“He’s blessed,” she declares.

“Runs in the family,” Oscar mutters and slaps her arse. “Get on with it.”

Oscar plops down over a chair against the wall behind me, rubbing over his knob as the girl rubs over me. It is wrong, and I want to hate myself for how my body reacts to her.

A few minutes pass and Oscar’s frustrated breathing mixes with the sound of the girl blowing me. Yeah, I’m hard, but can’t reach the fucking point. She snatches the condom and rolls it over my aching dick. I look back over to Oscar in a desperate plea as he clutches his junk in his hand. “Fuck her, you coward. No one’s leaving this room until you become one of us.”

I know how to fuck. I’ve watched my mom bang blokes, and Oscar beat into fa