Even when I'm gone

what-if, and repeated mistake.

She dances for no one and howls with the wolves.

A moon child with the spirit of a mood ring.

She’s my all-time love.”

—Oliver Masters

mia.

“YOU INTO THIS PHOTOGRAPHY thing now?” Ethan asked as we passed the same bench my father sat when he confessed the truth.

Bruce, my father, had said I was welcomed home after my time here, but he could no longer live under the weight of a lie. But did he ever truly love me? Or had I turned into an obligation? Maybe I’d been my mother’s baggage all along. It was the reason he could no longer look at me, seeing as I looked just like her. Aside from her hazel eyes, I was the spitting image of my mother.

“Shouldn’t you be with your family? You know, celebrating the holidays like everyone else?” I snapped another picture of him. I’d only seen Ethan in uniform or boxers. Never had I seen him dressed in a leather jacket, white tee, and destroyed jeans.

Ethan’s head fell to the side, giving me that all-knowing look.

“Hold it,” I demanded, and snapped another picture just as Ethan reached for the camera. Just in time, I hid it behind my back. “It’s not me, I swear, but the camera wants to fuck you.”

“Yeah, and I’ll fuck up the camera if you take another photo.”

“Don’t like your picture taken?”

Ethan scratched the stubble. “Nope.”

We paused when we reached our tree, and Ethan fell back over the grass and looked up at me. “And to answer your question, it was only my sister and me. My mum has Alzheimer’s and lives in a home. Dad died from a heart attack shortly after she was diagnosed. Olivia was the only family I had left.”

I plopped down beside him and laid back. Since I’d known Ethan, he’d never opened up about his family. I’ve pried, and tried to wiggle my way in without anything in return, until now. And I took full advantage of right now, soaking up as much as he’d give me. “Isn’t your mom young to be in a home?”

“Nah, she had me at forty-three. She’s pushing seventy.”

“You visit her often?”

Ethan folded his hands behind his head. “It’s hard. She looks at me and has no clue who I am. I guess the only good thing about Alzheimer’s is the fact the death of her daughter can’t touch her.” Damn. “I have you, Jett. You’re my family.” He turned on his side to face me and lifted his head into his palm. “The reason I’m telling you all this is because even though Masters is back, nothing changes between us. I can accept Masters. I’ll welcome the tosser with open arms if that’s the man you decide to spend the rest of your life with, but not a bloody thing changes between you and me. If I knew for one second the bloke couldn’t take care of you, if he didn’t … love you more than I love you, he’d already be gone.”

A lump lodged in my throat. My gaze remained out in front of me, my eyes watching a cloud move across the sky as Ethan’s words repeated over and over in my head.

“Yeah, I said it,” Ethan fell back against the grass, “and I know you love me, too, but never in the way you love him, and I’m alright with that. I’ve come to terms with it. One day, my time will come, and when I do find the one, this thing between us remains the same. You. Are. My. Family.”

Ethan’s fingers found mine in the grass, and I closed my eyes. “Why are you telling me this now? Why do I feel like this is a goodbye or something bad is about to happen?”

“After you graduate, I’m leaving the country. I have to disappear for a while. I’m tired of this place, the people, fucking everything. Being here only reminds me of my sister, and I thought I could do it. I really did.” He squeezed my hand and pulled me close, snaking his arm around my neck. It had been forever since we’d been this close, and it was comforting. When everything changed around me, Ethan and his loyalty to me stayed. “You’re the reason I’ve pulled through. For twenty years, people gave up or walked out on you, and just because I’m disappearing doesn’t mean a bloody thing. You’ll have a way to contact me.”

“Where are you going?”

“No idea.”

“Don’t forget about me, Ethan.”

“Never.”

“Pinky swear?” Unfolding our linked hands, I held up my pinky in front of us into the cloudy blue sky.

Ethan’s chest raised, filling his lungs completely before he finally said, “Yeah, Jett,” his hand came up and linked his pinky with mine. “I swear.”

Sure, our relationship was unconventional. It never had and never would fit into a mold. One thing I knew for sure? We found each other while searching for ourselves.

Time left us, and we decided it was time to go inside when the winter air grew angrier. The cold stung Ethan’s face, blotches matching his blood-red hair. He pulled me up to my feet before we walked back toward the prison. Ollie sat over a bench near the entrance with his back to us and head hung between his shoulders. The muscles in his shoulders strained against his hoodie.

Side by side, Ethan dropped his mouth down to my ear. “Last chance, you sure he’s the one?”

My eyes flicked over to Ethan, meeting his electric blue eyes and a smug grin. I smacked him in the stomach and returned my attention to Ollie, who was now standing with his hands shoved into his pockets, staring at us from afar. A familiar flame ignited within me, warming me in the bitter cold. Ollie’s gaze filled me up and called upon me, the kind of co

Distance, demons, fate, time … eat your fucking heart out.

Ollie caught me mid-air as I wrapped my legs around his waist. A laugh came up from his chest and fell into the crook of my neck. His arm secured me in place while his other hand rested under my thigh, and he pulled his head away to meet my eyes. “Ready for our date?”

I nodded, my feet finding solid ground again. “Why were you waiting here? In the cold?”

Ollie’s arm swung around my shoulder and pulled me to his side as Ethan walked up. “I was downstairs. Saw you two through the window but didn’t want to intrude.” Ollie offered his hand to Ethan. “Thanks, mate.”

Ethan shook it, and my heart warmed at the sight of the most important people in my life falling in sync. The smile on my face was easy. An understanding took possession of all previous tension, and the realization hit me.

I’d soon walk out of Dolor unchained, in love, with a safety net to break my every fall.

After di

No question, that single night still taunted me whenever I’d battle my nights alone, reminding me of my past. The defenseless little girl I’d pushed away for over ten years had been saved and put to rest, only to rise from the ashes because of that one damn night—New Years of last year. The ghost of New Year’s past. I never needed to hear Ollie’s reassurance, but he still gave it without a second thought. “Let’s do this,” I said through an exhale. His lips landed on my temple before opening the door.