Even when I'm gone

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I rested my hands over the edge and tried to catch my breath. “This isn’t going to work.”

Maddie turned to face me, and my gaze fixed on her breasts as they bounced while she jumped up and sat at the edge of the desk. “It’s the condom. Take it off.”

I gritted my teeth. “Have you gone mad?”

Maddie pulled her knees up and dipped her finger inside her. I focused on what she was doing to herself. Her other hand gripped my cock. “Touch me, O.”

“Touch me, Ethan,” Mia’s voice sang in my head as I imagined Mia laying out for Ethan across her bed, her delicate fingers roaming over her body. I couldn’t take it; the image hurt too much. When my imagination used to be my friend, it turned into my greatest enemy. I fought against the ache in my chest, and the burn behind my eyes as these dark thoughts devoured me whole.

Desperation leads to regret, but at this point, I’d do anything to numb the pain—even if it were only temporary.

Pushing Maddie on her back, I pulled her thighs apart, concentrating on the way she played with herself. The girl gave me a front-row seat, and naturally, my dick grew. “Keep going,” I coached her, listening to my arousal, but I was nothing but a coward. Her finger eased in and out of herself. “Yeah, just like that.” Soaking fucking wet.

Each one of Maddie’s cries brought even more images of Ethan fucking Mia. I rubbed my dick across her entrance while my fingers pierced her thighs, keeping her spread and sure to leave marks. Maddie said some things, I was sure, but my head was in a different place as I tried to thrust into her …

But I went soft again.

For the last, aggravating, time, I pulled away. Picking up Maddie’s desk chair, I threw it against the wall and ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t do this!” I grabbed my boxers and jeans off the floor and hastily got back into them. My first stop back to my dorm would be the bathroom to discard the only evidence of this colossal mistake.

“Nothing fucking happened,” I warned Maddie, not bothering to look at her.

“You’re right. Nothing happened, and nothing will ever happen until ya let Mia go.”

What I wanted to do was choke her until she rendered unconscious and quiet, but that was the demons inside talking. I shook my head. “It will always be Mia.”

“Fu

I froze under the comment. It hit me like a freight train. The smell of fa

What the fuck did I just do?

mia.

There were two people absent during lunch, and it stuck out like a flashing red light—Ollie and Maddie. I tried not to think of the worst-case scenario.

Really, I tried.

“Oh-my-god, Jude’s coming over,” Bria whispered, leaning over the table. “Act cool.”

“I am cool,” I countered, pretending Jude didn’t make my skin crawl every time he was near. I believed he was the one behind the nasty pranks against me, only I couldn’t figure out the reason why.

“Care if we sit with you?” Jude asked as his hair swept over his shoulder with Gwen by his side. “It seems our table got lighter all of a sudden.”

Jude eyed the empty seat between me and the window, and Bria immediately spoke up. “Here, you can sit next to me. That’s Ollie’s seat.” Bria chuckled to herself. “For when Ollie comes back to his senses, of course.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Ollie is making good decisions right now.” Jude laughed, and my face twisted when a sickness slid inside my stomach. Jude’s smile disappeared as he took a seat beside Bria. “Ah, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to—

I waved my hand out in front of me to cut him off. “It’s fine.” I couldn’t bother to hear anymore, whatever he meant by it. Last year, the idea wouldn’t have crossed my mind, but seeing Ollie kiss Maddie right in front of me reminded me he was no longer the man I used to know. Now I could no longer be sure who he was at all.

The table got quiet as I spaced off into the what if’s, when suddenly a hand landed on my back causing tiny splinters of pain to course through me from my injuries. “I’m sure they’re just talking,” Tyler whispered, and I bit my lip to control the discomfort.

“Yeah, I’m not sure they’re doing much talking the way Maddie’s hand was on his junk,” Jude said with a mouthful of food. Bria hushed Jude, shoving her shoulder into him. “What? The girl needs to know, no?”

It was all too much—finding out about my dad, the glass incident, and now this. My heart couldn’t take anymore. I pushed out of my chair just as Jake stood. “Mia?”

“I’m okay,” I forced out. “I’m going to get an early start on a shower and go to bed.” Because of my promise to Ethan, I hadn’t told anyone about the glass incident, or the fact I was up the entire night before as Ethan pulled both large and tiny bits of glass from my body.

I walked into the bathroom and there was only one other stall on and no security guard to watch over me. The only stall I ever used was unoccupied, and I turned it on before hanging my things inside. The steam swirled around me, making it even harder to breathe without Ollie and the thought of him with someone else.

Stepping under the water, I attempted to drown out the noise inside my head. The visions of what Ollie could be doing this very moment with Maddie, remembering this was exactly the reason I needed him to stay away from me. Was I only pushing him into the arms of someone else?

I should’ve fought harder for him.

We should’ve stayed together.

It shouldn’t be like this at all.

And if I were honest with myself, every breath without him was a blessing because it took that much effort to breathe, and I finally understood what he had meant.

As if I manifested him, it was Ollie who appeared before the mirror through the small opened slit of the shower curtain. His hair dripped over his naturally ta

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t look away.

Then, instead of flashes of him and Maddie, it was only us and the moments we shared in this very bathroom. The only sound between us was the beating shower against the tile and my shallow breath. Familiar green eyes penetrated me through the mirror’s reflection.

Tears fell from my eyes and I was glad I was under the water to hide them. Though my vision grew blurry, I was too scared to blink to break this co

Ollie turned and walked toward me. His bare feet took a step into my stall and closed the curtain behind him, his eyes never leaving mine. It wasn’t a primal look, but more of a look mixed with heartache and despair. Still clothed, he took another step toward me, and we were merely an inch apart. Ollie stood over me, both our chests unable to find a calm rhythm. Water drenched his joggers, but he seemed oblivious to the weight holding them down.

And I seemed oblivious to everything else around me.

There was so much we both wanted to say, but words could only make or break this moment, and neither one of us wanted to take the risk.

Each slow movement he made filled with hesitation, catching my reaction and relishing in the way it made him feel. His fingertips traced down the sides of my arms, and if it were the only touch I’d receive from him, it would be more than enough.