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“Get off me,” I warned, but my desperate hands had a mind of their own as they gripped his sides, resisting my words.
“You don’t mean that Mia, do you?” His eyes flickered a darkness I’d never seen in him before, and his fingers reached for the skin under my shirt. Flashes of his brother entered my mind, triggering bad memories of last year, and I crawled backward out of his hold. Ollie’s fingers gripped me tighter and pulled me back under him. “Where are you going?”
My hand instinctively slapped across his cheek, and his face whipped to the side. His, once smug, smile disappeared and he dropped his head as he stayed idled on all fours. I stumbled to my feet and looked down at him, trying to catch my breath. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Ollie rolled over to sit on his ass and dropped his arms over his bent knees with his back facing me. “Alright, I get it. You’re only into men in uniform.” A low, incredulous laugh came from him, and I forced down the tears building up behind my eyes. Shaking my head, I took a seat with Bria and Jude on the tree branch.
Bria shot me a confused look. “You’re going to let him treat you like that?”
“He’s not himself right now.” The more those words came from me, the more it sounded like utter bullshit. Ethan had been right. I continued making excuses for him, seeming more like a broken record.
Ollie whistled Maddie over, and she crawled into his lap, side-eyeing me. “She’s stupid for denying you,” she sang as she ran her fingers through his hair.
“What in the actual fuck is happening?” Jude whispered. I ignored him as my body recovered from being close to Ollie’s all while Maddie continued to brush her fingers over the mark I left on his face.
Ollie wrapped Maddie’s legs around his waist. Bria and Tyler’s eyes darted to me, waiting for a reaction, but all I could do was stare. How could he have been so indulged in the two of us when he first got here, and be a completely different person now?
“Ollie, what are you doing?” I asked, worry laced in my tone while the rest of my body tensed under prying eyes and un-prying bodies.
The woods turned quiet. The only movement was Ollie’s hand appearing behind Maddie’s head before her tongue darted inside his mouth. My jaw clenched as Ollie lowered himself until his back hit the ground with her on top of him. My knees wobbled as I stood back to my feet. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Bria’s eyes grew wide, waiting for a reaction out of me, but I couldn’t give one. All I could do was turn and walk away.
“Oh, come on, Mia,” Ollie’s voice boomed from behind me, “What did you expect?”
My walk turned into a run back to the main building and straight into my room.
Unable to keep still, I pulled out the desk chair and withdrew the journal Dr. Conway gifted me and wrote, driving the pencil into the paper as if it were Ollie’s heart. The truth was, Ollie was my hell, but it wasn’t until now that I truly understood the meaning behind my own words. He was both the hero and villain in our love story, saving me only to ruin me. But I’d been there before. I understood low points. I understood mixed emotions and the inability to feel. I’d understood it all, but it wasn’t until now, on the receiving end, to understand the shit I’d put him through. It was my turn to help him, but would helping him lead to my own undoing?
A knock at the door grabbed my attention. “Mia, it’s Tyler.”
The breath I let out mixed with both relief and disappointment. A part of me still expected Ollie to follow. After opening the door, I let it hang there and returned to my desk chair. Tyler closed the door behind her and glanced over at me, feeling out my mood before taking a seat at the edge of my bed. “I don’t know what that was all about, but it didn’t last long.”
“I don’t care to know, Ty,” I rushed out, wiping my palms down my face. “It’s not him. He’s not the same.” Broken. Record. The automatic words became more natural to say, like “hello.”
Tyler’s doe-brown eyes sca
“Good, he deserves it.”
The night terrors came back full force, but it wasn’t my cries that woke me. “Ollie … ” I heard myself say, but the moment Ollie’s name slipped from my mouth, the day before dawned on me and the ache returned.
“Ethan,” a muffled voice said before my mattress dipped from Ethan sitting beside me. “I thought with Ollie back this would be over.” The cold towel pressed to my forehead and instantly eased almost every worry—almost.
“Ethan,” I whispered, and opened my eyes. His mouth parted slightly, then closed. The lump in his throat bobbed. Blue eyes glowed against the moon’s light, and the red in his hair flared. “Why don’t you smile?”
Pulling away from me, Ethan removed the towel and rested his elbows over his knees. “I don’t have a reason to smile, Jett,” he scratched his stubble, looking back at me, “Not yet, anyway.”
“Why do you refuse to call me by my first name?”
Ethan wrapped the towel tight around his hand, thinking about his next words or avoiding them altogether. “What’s with all the questions?” He finally asked. “Go back to sleep.”
“Answer me.”
“No.”
“Lay with me.”
“No.”
“Just until I fall asleep?” My voice cracked in a plea, but I knew if I continued to push, he would cave. Somewhere inside, deep down inside, Ethan needed me this last year as much as I needed him. For different reasons, I was sure, but I never had to push too far for him to give up on his morals.
Ethan groaned, but the sound of his keys coming off his belt had my hopes take off like a rocket. Next went the taser, then the radio, laying each item over my desk carefully. He lifted the sheet draped over me. His eyes flitted up my bare legs, panties, and tank top. I inched back to give him more room, and he shook his disapproving head before climbing in.
“Turn around,” he ordered, his faint breath falling from his lips as he held up his head in the palm of his hand. Ethan bent his knee, planting his left foot over the mattress and twirled his finger.
“No.” I grabbed his hand and placed it at my side. Ethan froze for a moment and chewed his bottom lip. “I want to remember what it feels like to be close to someone,” I finally added. “Someone who makes me feel safe.”
Ethan dropped the arm holding up his head and sank beside me. His fingers moved over the exposed skin at my side while his other arm snaked beneath me, pulling me closer against him. “What are you going to do about Masters?”
My chin tilted to meet his gaze. “You know?”
I didn’t care if Bria, Tyler, Jake, or anyone else knew about what happened earlier in the day, but Ethan was different. I cared what Ethan thought about it. Every decision I made, for almost a year, depended on his approval. What would Ethan do? Would Ethan be proud of me? How would Ethan see me? It was strange, the way I starved for his approval like a father figure, looked up to him as a brother, wanted to be looked at by him as a lover, and wanted to feel close to him like a security blanket. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from him, only the mere fact I was attached to Ethan.
“I know everything.”
My head shook. “It hurts, but I just have to keep reminding myself it’s not him.”