Stay with me

Chapter Twenty-Four

“I’m yours, and you’re mine,

and that’s all I’ll ever know.”

—Oliver Masters

“MEET ME IN THE library -O,” the note beside my head read. When I woke, Ollie was gone. My sore eyes were raw from the day before as I tried blinking the sun away. The nausea had already set in. If I didn’t show, he couldn’t end us. Avoiding him would be better for me, but not for him. I’d done enough damage. I had to give him this.

After showering and brushing my teeth, I headed for the library. Taking the stairs slowly, I walked toward the end of the route of us. If I could have, I would have been crying, but I was all tapped out of tears. I had on the same clothes I’d worn my first day here. My shorts and “Cute but Psycho” tee. It only seemed fitting. This was the girl I’d been when I arrived, but ever since I’d been touched by Ollie, I would never be the same. Even though I dressed the part, I was forever changed. Even if I wanted to, I could never build another fucking switch—not after him.

After turning the corner, I stood at the end of the hallway. Ollie waited right outside the library door with his back slumped against the wall. His gray pair of sweats hung perfectly around his hips, and his white shirt made his inked skin more dramatic. He lifted his head and squinted down the hall. No smile formed, but his eyes still held the same look he always had for me. The one that never went away after four months. He looked at me as if he got lost and found in me all at once. My presence still affected him, and his eyes grasped on to me—clinging for life—in case I disappeared.

He straightened his posture as I walked down the hall of shame.

When I approached him, he bent down and picked up the two cups of coffee, handed me mine, and lifted the brown paper bag off the floor—still nothing, not even a smile. His face carried hurt, but his battered green eyes held a glimmer of hope and a spark of wonder.

“Thank you,” I said quietly. Ollie nodded and opened the door for me before walking me through the maze of books until we reached his spot.

It was our spot, but now it was back to only his.

We sat side by side in the nook. Ollie dropped the brown paper bag between us and let out an exhale. “Mia …” He paused and cleared his throat. “I … Dammit, Mia …” he choked out.

His strength dulled, his face unreadable. Looking into his wounded eyes, I knew I had done this to him, and I hated myself for it. There was nothing I wanted more than to carry all the pain he felt. Pointing blame at a girl who no longer existed wouldn’t ease the betrayal. Instead, I wanted him just to come out and say it. He chewed on his lip, fighting the tears, and finding the words I earned to hear.

“Don’t let me down easy, Ollie. I don’t deserve easy.” I sat the coffee down beside me. I couldn’t stomach anything. “Please, just say it.”

Ollie pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head slowly.

He couldn’t look at me.

Please, look at me.

“Mia, that’s not with this is.”

I was shaking my head now.

He pressed his back against the bookshelf and tilted his chin to face me. “Do you know how hard it was for me to not run after you yesterday? I wanted to, Mia. After finding out, I still wanted to run after you, and the only reason I didn’t was because it wouldn’t be fair. I was still angry, and I needed to think. But then I couldn’t even think straight. Not without you near me.

“Ollie—”

He raked his hand through his hair. “No, let me finish. I have to get this out, alright?”

I nodded.

“So, when I went to your room and saw you still hadn’t come back, I felt sick about leaving you like that and walked outside to get you. I just know what we have is stronger, Mia. For fuck’s sake, I can’t picture you with anyone, not even my brother. I’m not in denial. I know what happened, but I can’t bring myself to picture it. What happened with you two should be making me sick right now. It should be haunting me, but I can’t fucking see it because I’m yours, Mia, and you’re mine, and that’s all I’ll ever know and see.

“Last night confirmed it for me. I didn’t want to hear your explanation at the time. I didn’t want to say something stupid I didn’t mean. I only wanted to feel what we have. I wanted to make sure you being with him didn’t taint that fucking feeling, and it didn’t. Not for me, anyway.” Ollie exhaled and closed his eyes. “I should have told you he worked here, but the only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to keep the two of you separated. I didn’t want him finding out about you and I didn’t want you confronting him. I couldn’t take the chance.” Ollie moved my trembling hand from my lap to the back of his neck. “Jake said you were throwing up …”

I moved my head rapidly from side to side. “Only because I hurt you … I hurt you in the worst possible way, and it made me sick to know I was the one who did that to you.”

Ollie drew in a shaky breath and ran a palm down his face with his empty hand. “Remember, I told you nothing worth it would be easy?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Things will get difficult, but nothing is going to change the way I feel for you. I won’t allow it. My heart won’t allow it. Every breath I take is wasted if you aren’t in my life, and I know my brother, Mia. My brother doesn’t walk away from a girl. My brother gets a slice of something, and he doesn’t stop …” Ollie’s eyes fell on mine, tears falling, and he did nothing to wipe them away. “He hasn’t stopped with you, has he? That’s the reason for your panic attacks?”

My mind couldn’t wrap around what was happening. Ollie was looking past this. He wasn’t allowing it to come between us. He was more concerned about my panic attacks. “He said no one would believe me,” my voice rasped out.

I don’t deserve him.

“I would’ve believed you. All you had to do was talk to me.”

“You would have done something stupid to jeopardize your future.”

Ollie swiped his eyes across his sleeve. “Dammit, Mia. What has he done?” He looked up again, more tears gathering. “How long has this been going on?”

My eyes were dry, and my lips cracked. The insides of my nose burned along with the ongoing ache in my chest. All my mental strength was completely depleted. “The last time I … was with him in that way …” I couldn’t even say the word, afraid to break him even more. “Was before you and I had ever kissed. He was only the trainee at the time. Then, when I got back from psych, he came on to me, and I tried pushing him away.” I moved my head back and forth frantically. “He says he owns me. He would have his way with me, and no one would believe me. He taunts me in the halls, and he shows up in my dorm. He waits for me when I walk out of the shower. Ollie, I’m terrified of him and what he’s capable of …”

“Has he touched you?”

“Ollie …”

“Answer me, Mia. Has he touched you since we kissed?”

“Yes, but he threatened to take me away from here. He threatened to send me to the mental institution. Said he read my file. First, it was over clothes, but each time he takes it a little further. I tell him, no, Ollie, I tell him to stop.” When I thought I had no tears left, more found their way down my cheeks and into my hands. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Ollie pulled me over his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “I’ve got you. I told you, I’ll never let you go through anything alone, alright? Fuck. I knew you were suffering, but I thought I was helping you get through it. I thought it was your past. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m so sorry I failed you.” He lifted my head from his neck and wiped his thumbs under my eyes. “It’s you and I, alright?”