Stay with me

I grabbed him by the arm and turned him around, forcing him to look at me, forcing him to see me. He seemed confused as he looked down at me, and then he smiled, but it wasn’t the same smile I had grown to love. This smile was different. It was fraudulent. He ran his hands through his hair as I waited, dangling over the edge of a cliff.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said, looking past me and not at me, and there was something he was trying to hide.

“Say anything.” I grasped for hope, but he stood before me, unreachable. I grabbed his hand, but it was cold, and he pulled away before stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“You fucked my brother. I should have never allowed it to go on as long as it did.”

His words sliced through me. They cut me up, stuffed me into a blender, and he pressed the “on” button.

“Allowed what to go on?” Don’t say it, Ollie. Don’t you dare say it.

He took in a deep breath and looked at the ground as he exhaled. It was the most extended breath he had ever taken. “You and I.”

You and I.

Those were bullets. Three of them. One to the stomach, one to the heart, and one to the head. Before, when he’d said those words, it was all that mattered. A promise. Now it sounded like a past time, a regret. Another tear fell down my cheek, and I was trying to be strong for him when strong was all he was now. He still wouldn’t look at me, and my hands trembled at my sides.

“Ollie, it’s the medication. You don’t mean it. You promised me,” I held up the ring for him to see. “You fucking promised me, remember?

Ollie removed a hand from his pocket, but only to lower mine with his cold and bitter touch. “Don’t curse, darling. It’s a turnoff.”

My eyes went wide as I searched his face, but he looked at everything else but me. He exhaled, and I could tell he was about to pull away, so I stepped in front of him. “Tell me what to do, Ollie. How am I supposed to remind you?”

“You can’t. It’s over. You have to let me go.”

I shook my head as I felt the color drain from my face. Everything told me I should walk away, but I couldn’t. All I wanted was to stay with him. I brought my hand to his face, and he froze under my touch.

“Please look at me,” I begged, and his eyes slowly lifted to mine. The hollow he had described to me so many times was there, but he was still there also, lost in his newfound darkness. He laid his palm over my hand, but he didn’t pull away. It was all I needed to keep going.

Lifting myself on my toes, I kissed him lightly. I’d never been so scared.

He opened his eyes.

“Mia …” He gasped as if it were his last breath, then kissed me back with his hands on my face, our lips holding on desperately, yet dangerously. But as quickly as it had started, it was gone.

Ollie pulled away and dropped his forehead to mine. He wet his lips as he slowly shook his head back and forth. He was slipping away before my eyes, and I didn’t know what else to do. “It’s your turn to stay with me,” I whispered.

Ollie pulled away from my hold and took a step back. The hands that once couldn’t stay off me were now in his pockets. The lips that once always wanted to be on mine, weren’t, and the eyes that used to always see me, couldn’t.

“I’m such an idiot.” He pushed out a harsh laugh that quickly dissolved. Looking me up and down, he took another step back. “Stay away from me, Mia.”

Then he left me alone in the hallway.

And those words knocked me to my knees. Each step Ollie took away from me propelled another blow to my soul, impelling more tears from my eyes, provoking every outcry, and only intensifying the pain in my chest.

He never told me to close my eyes,

but I closed my eyes anyway.