Hate me

Knox

Past…

I closed my eyes, forcing my body to go slack as I waited for the throbbing pain to subside to something more manageable. 

I used to think there was only one type of pain. 

But it turned out there were different levels of it. 

The sharp sting that stole your breath because it took you by surprise. 

The hurt that you prayed passed quickly…because it constantly taunted you and you knew it was only a matter of time before it would rear its ugly head again. 

And the agony that you knew would be permanent…because it seeped into your soul and became scar tissue.  

At that moment, I was experiencing the first one…

While hiding from the monsters as I huddled in the basement…waiting for the second. 

I flinched, the tiny hairs on my neck prickling with fear when I heard footsteps coming down the staircase. 

“Trent.” 

My mother’s voice was soft and velvety—like a blanket wrapped around you during a snowstorm. 

The kind of voice that made you want to forgive her for all her transgressions. 

Even though you knew better. 

Part of me wanted to stay silent so she’d go back upstairs…but I knew if I did, that would only make it worse. 

Squinting in the darkness, I found her form. “I’m over here.” 

She reached up for the string on the ceiling fan, flooding the basement with light. 

My mother was beautiful. So much so, people always commented on her appearance. 

She was tall and slim, with skin so pale it was almost translucent, and blue eyes so bright the sky and ocean paled in comparison. 

But my favorite feature of hers was her hair. 

Long, silky red locks that fell down her back in soft waves. 

My mom once told me she was made fun of for her red hair while growing up, but I never understood why. 

It made her different…unique. 

She looked like a princess out of a storybook...

But our lives were the farthest thing from a fairytale. 

I winced when she kneeled and palmed my cheek. “I’m sorry.” 

She was always sorry. 

But sorry wasn’t enough. 

Not when the same thing kept happening over and over…like a record skipping while playing one of the worst songs you ever heard. 

“Close your eyes,” she whispered, but I shook my head. 

That’s the thing about permanent pain…

It made it hard to trust.

Not only others, but yourself.  

“Please.” 

I knew better than to refuse, so I obliged. 

“I got you a present.” 

I wasn’t surprised. 

Presents always came after the pain…like a rainbow after a storm. 

Only the storms were becoming too powerful and occurring far too often. 

And there was no more shelter. 

“Put out your hands.” 

When I did, I felt something dry and scaly against my skin. 

Confusion flooded through me when I opened my eyes and looked down at the lizard with the blue belly. 

I had seen him earlier when my mom took me out on a walk. I begged and pleaded to keep him, but she said we couldn’t. 

My father had a strict rule against pets. My mother said it was because he was allergic to both dogs and cats, however he didn’t want birds or reptiles around either. 

“I got a small tank from the pet store down the street that we can keep him in. As long as you promise to feed and look after him.” 

I nodded so hard I’m surprised my head didn’t come off. “I promise.” 

I ran a finger down his back, then paused. “What about dad?” 

She gave me one of her gorgeous smiles. “Well, we’ll have to keep it a secret from him. Think you can do that?” 

I nodded again. I was so used to keeping secrets, it was second nature. 

“What do you want to name him?” 

I shrugged. I’d never been allowed to have a pet before, so I never took the time to think of what I would name one if I got the chance.  

“He’s green,” I noted. “And scaly.” I laughed when his long tongue came out. “And kind of cute.” 

“Kermit,” I declared because he was green like the frog on my favorite TV show. 

He obviously wasn’t a frog, but it was close enough. 

My mother patted his tiny head with her finger. “Kermit it is.” 

I shifted uncomfortably, trying to gather the courage to ask. “Mom?” 

Her blue eyes softened. “Yeah?” 

I needed to know why. 

Why did it hurt so much?

Why did she let it happen?

Why did I deserve it? 

The sound of the front door opening upstairs made me jump, and I lost my nerve.  

“Nothing.” 

She ran up the staircase while I went off in search of a safe place to keep Kermit. 

Too bad I could never find one for myself.