Hate me

11th grade.

Aspen

The priest is talking, but I can’t hear a word he’s saying. 

The only thing I can focus on is the coffin beside him. 

The one containing my father’s body. 

Leo puts his arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple. 

As usual, he’s the only one here for me. 

Sure, my mother is in attendance, but she’s buzzing around the room socializing, like my father’s wake is a party she’s hosting. 

The first tear rolls down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away. I don’t want to fall apart in a room full of people. Especially when I hardly know most of them. 

My chest squeezes and I swallow the needles in my throat. 

I don’t understand how this happened. 

I mean—I’m not an idiot so I can comprehend that apparently, my father was a swindler. 

Evidently, he convinced a bunch of people to invest in a retirement home. 

And then stole their money. 

He fucked with the wrong person though, because two years later he was found in a parking lot with a bullet in his head. 

The man who shot him didn’t even try to deny it when the police tracked him down at his house. 

He simply said my father deserved it for stealing his hard-earned savings. 

And now here I am…at his wake, grappling with the fact that the man I loved more than life itself is gone. 

Because he was a conman.  

Leo turns to me when the priest finally stops talking. “Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?” 

I shake my head, trying my hardest to keep the tears at bay.  

Leo lifts my chin, forcing my gaze to meet his. “It’s okay to be angry.” His eyes soften. “It’s also okay to miss him. Your dad went down a bad road, but he loved you, Aspen.” 

I know he did. 

But knowing that only makes the pain worse. 

He stole from people to not only support his family, but to make sure my superficial mother had everything she wanted. 

And not just her. 

He stole to make sure I had a better education, clothes, books, a roof over my head, food in my belly…the braces I begged for to fix my crooked teeth. 

Absentmindedly, I finger the necklace around my neck. The one I can’t bring myself to take off. Pearls. 

The last time I saw my dad we were eating breakfast—bacon, eggs, and French toast. 

I was excited because it meant things were on the upswing again and we had enough money to pay our bills and fill the fridge. 

But now I know the truth. 

Whenever my family had money…it was never really ours. 

“It hurts,” I whisper. “Knowing what he did. Who he really was.” 

“I get it.” He sighs heavily. “I wish I’d known so I could have stopped him.” Closing his eyes, he shrugs. “He asked me to draw up contracts and make sure everything was legal.  After that…” 

It was out of his hands.

“He was my best friend,” Leo states with a shake of his head. “But now I feel like I never really knew him.” He looks down at his shoes. “I also can’t help but feel like I failed him…failed you.” 

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

He touches my cheek. “It wasn’t yours either, honey.” 

We stare at each other for the better part of a minute…until something out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. 

“What the hell is she doing?” 

I watch as my mother—who’s obviously had way too much wine tonight—shamelessly flirts with some man. 

Upon closer inspection, I realize it’s not just any man…it’s Leo’s brother. 

And Knox’s father. 

Leo mentioned that he asked his brother for help when my dad was found murdered, since he’s an FBI agent…but I had no idea he and my mother had grown so close in the week since my father had been found murdered. 

The anger brewing in my gut burns hotter the longer I stare at them. 

For fuck’s sake, it’s my father’s wake. Yet, here she is trying to sink her hooks into the next walking ATM she can find. 

Not only was it in poor taste, it was embarrassing as hell. 

“Aspen,” Leo calls out behind me when I walk over to them. 

I ignore him. 

“Aspen, hi,” my mom says when she finally notices me. However, it’s short lived because almost immediately her focus is back on the man she’s flirting with. “Trent, this is my daughter. I believe you have a son around the same age.”

I grind my molars so hard I’m surprised they don’t turn to dust. 

Trent smiles before taking a sip of his coffee. “I do. He attends Black Mountain Academy.” 

My mom leans into him, placing her palm on his chest. “What a coincidence. So does Aspen.” Her eyes flick to me. “Aspen, dear, isn’t that wonderful—”

“It’s your husband’s wake,” I remind her. “Have a little decency.”  

She blinks, clearly caught off guard by my outburst. “Excuse me?” 

It’s all I can do not to laugh. 

I’m done with this little act she puts on. 

Done with her need to pretend like life is perfect so she can fit in with those she deems significant. 

Done with her need to demand shit from others without getting off her ass and working for what she wants.  

Done with her being so drunk she ignores the important things. 

Like taking care of her daughter. 

My mother is beautiful—so beautiful she easily uses her looks to her advantage. I have no doubt it’s why my dad stayed with her so long, despite how horrible she is—but her insides are so ugly it makes me physically sick. 

“Maybe if you weren’t a superficial lush Dad wouldn’t be dead,” I hiss with every ounce of venom I feel for the woman standing before me. 

Her eyes widen. “How dare you.” 

The sharp sting of her palm slapping my cheek, followed by the audible gasps from people standing nearby, sends me reeling. 

She’s never hit me before. 

“That’s enough, Eileen,” Leo barks, wedging himself between us. “This isn’t the time or place.” 

Trent shoots me a sympathetic look before taking my mother by the elbow and leading her out of the room. 

Leo turns to me. “Are you okay?” 

I rub my cheek. “I’m fine.” 

But really…I’m not. 

I don’t know how to make sense of this loss. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do without my dad.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive on my own.

Because that’s exactly what I am now. All alone. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Leo says. “It was completely uncalled for.” 

“Don’t apologize on her behalf.” 

Frowning, he reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out his wallet. “You know I’m always here for you, right?” 

I stare down at the small wad of money in his hand and finally realize why people say it’s the root of all evil. 

Money equals greed. 

Greed made my mother the shallow, vapid woman she is today.  

Greed killed my father. 

I wonder what it would do to me.  

Shaking my head, I say, “I can’t accept that.” 

Leo has a wife who’s struggling with ALS. Over the past year, her health has declined so much she can no longer speak or move without the help of a twenty-four-hour nurse. 

Even though Leo is a lawyer and makes a decent living, the kind of help she requires is expensive. 

“Take it, Aspen,” he insists, placing the cash in my hand. “It’s the least I can do.” 

I start to protest again, but he curls my fingers around it. “Let me take care of you.” 

Those words unleash a surge of agony that’s so visceral, I have to clutch my chest.