Страница 93 из 162
My grin faded.
“That is actually a good question,” Tawny remarked, hands lightly clasped in front of her.
“I’m not sure what the point is, to be honest,” I admitted.
For several minutes, none of us spoke. I lost sight of the Duchess, and the Duke still hadn’t appeared from what I could tell.
I sighed as I glanced at Tawny.
She really did look absolutely beautiful tonight, the red complementing the richness of her brown skin. I knew what she was so vividly focused on without following her gaze. Her expression could only be described as wistful as she watched couples pair off for some waltz I probably would never have been able to master even if I’d been allowed. Her eyes tracked their movements fervently, and I knew for a fact that she knew every step of that dance. Why was she here and not out there with the rest of them?
Of course, I knew the answer.
It was because of me.
Guilt settled in my chest like a stone. “Tawny?”
She twisted toward me. “Yes?”
“You don’t have to stand here beside me. You can go and have fun.”
“What?” Her nose scrunched against the mask. “I’m having fun. Aren’t you?”
“Of course, but you don’t have to be right beside me. You should be out there.” I gestured to the dancers and beyond, to where people huddled together in groups of three and four. “It’s okay.”
“I’m fine.” She plastered on a bright smile, and my heart squeezed. “I’d rather be standing here with you than out there without you.”
“You’re the best,” I said, wishing I could hug her. Instead, I reached between us and squeezed her arm. “You really are, but I don’t need you to be my shadow tonight. I already have two of them.”
Tawny’s gaze flicked over my shoulder. “You really only have one. Vikter is still with the Commander.”
“And one is all I need. Please.” I squeezed her arm again. “Tawny, go. Please.”
Her gaze searched mine, and I could tell that she was waffling. Before she could decide not to, I lied, “I’m actually feeling very tired. I didn’t sleep all that well last night, so I don’t plan to be down here for much longer.”
“You’re sure?”
I nodded.
Tawny’s entire body practically vibrated with the effort required not to throw her arms around me, but she managed a subdued nod as I released her hand. She gave me one last long look and then headed down the steps, crossing the floor to where Dafina and Loren stood with three Lords in Wait.
I smiled, relieved. I hoped she let herself enjoy her night, and to ensure that, I knew I needed to leave. If I stayed down here for any amount of time, standing between the enormous, red geraniums, she would come back.
I felt Hawke step closer before he even spoke, and a shivery wave of warmth danced over my skin. I turned my head to the right, to where he stood no more than a few inches behind me.
“That was kind of you,” he commented as he stared out over the floor.
“Not particularly. Why should she stand here and do nothing just because that’s all I can do?”
“Is that really all you can do?”
“You were standing right here when Her Grace reminded me that I am not to mingle or—”
“Or fraternize.”
“She said socialize,” I corrected.
“But you don’t have to stay here.”
“I don’t.” I turned back to the floor, swallowing another sigh. I did have to leave. The idea of returning to my chambers held little appeal, but if I didn’t, Tawny would return to my side. “I would like to go back to my room.”
“You sure?”
No. “Of course.”
“After you, Princess.”
I turned, eyes narrowing as he stepped aside. “You need to stop calling me that.”
“But I like it.”
Brushing past him, I lifted the hem of my skirt as I stepped onto the slight rise. “But I don’t.”
“That’s a lie.”
I shook my head as I skirted around the groups of smiling, masked faces. None looked in my direction, most having thought twice about whether they’d seen the Duchess speak with me.
The air was much cooler outside the Great Hall, courtesy of the breeze coming through the open garden entrances. I spared only a quick glance out into the garden before I started down the hall.
“Where are you going?” Hawke asked.
Stopping, I turned to him in confusion. “Back to my rooms, as I…” I trailed off.
Hawke’s amber eyes were assessing as they roamed over me, lingering where my hair lay draped over my shoulders. His gaze traveled over the tiny scalloped lace along the bodice of my gown. The neckline wasn’t as low as I’d seen some of the Ladies in Wait wear, and just the upper swells of my breasts were visible, but that…that was a lot for me, considering my normal gowns had a neckline up to the throat.
“I was wrong earlier when I said you looked lovely,” he said.
“What?”
“You look absolutely exquisite, Poppy. Beautiful,” he said, giving a little shake of his head. “I just…I needed to tell you that.”
His words brought forth such a sharp, swelling emotion that my control over my gift snapped, and my senses reached out before I could stop them. I didn’t feel pain from him other than the hum of sadness. My gaze flew to his face. I felt…something else. Two separate emotions. One reminded me of lemon—tart against my tongue. The other sensation was heavier and…spicy, a bit smoky. I thought the first might be confusion or maybe uncertainty. As if he were unsure of something. The other…
Gods.
It took a few moments for my senses to zero in on what that was. It made me feel hot and…and achy. It felt like arousal.
“I have an idea,” he said, slowly lifting that intense stare of his to mine.
“You do?” I felt strangely breathless as I wrangled my gift, closing it down.
He nodded. “It doesn’t involve returning to your room.”
Anticipation and excitement rose, but… “I’m confident that unless I remain at the Rite, I would be expected to return to my room.”
“You’re masked, as am I. You’re not dressed like the Maiden. To use your own ideology from last night, no one will know who either of us is.”
“Yes, but…”
“Unless you wish to go back to the room. Maybe you’re so engrossed in that book—”
“I am not engrossed in that book.” My cheeks flushed.
“I know you don’t want to be cooped up in your chambers.” When I opened my mouth, he added, “There’s no reason to lie to me.”
“I…” I couldn’t lie. No one would believe me. “And where do you suggest that I go?”
“Where we go?” Light from the sconces glinted off the curve of his mask as he tilted his chin toward the garden.
My heart skipped at the same moment it twisted. “I don’t know. It…”
“It used to be a place of refuge,” he said. “Now, it’s become a place of nightmares. But it can only stay that way if you let it.”
“If I let it? How do I change the fact that Rylan died out there?”
“You don’t.”
I stared up at him. “I’m not following where you’re going with this.”
He stepped closer, dipping his chin. “You can’t change what happened in there. Just like you can’t change the fact that the courtyard used to give you peace. You just replace your last memory—a bad one—with a new one—a good one—and you keep doing that until the initial one no longer outweighs the replacement.”
I opened my mouth, but then I really thought about what he’d said. My gaze traveled to the darkness beyond the door. What he’d said actually made sense. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but it works.” He extended his bare hand, and I looked down, staring at it as if a dangerous animal rested in his palm—a fluffy, cute one that I wanted to pet. “And you won’t be alone. I’ll be there with you, and not just watching over you.”