From blood and ash

Nearly choking on my laugh, I looked away. “She…she is something, and she’s always disappointed in my…commitment to being the Maiden.”

“Exactly how are you supposed to prove you are?” he asked. “Better yet, what are you supposed to be committed to?”

I almost jumped on him in that moment and wrapped my arms around him. I didn’t, because it would be grossly inappropriate. Instead, I gave him a sedate nod. “I’m not quite sure. It’s not like I’m trying to run away or escape my Ascension.”

“Would you?”

“Fu

“It was a serious one.”

My heart lurched in my chest as I stopped in the narrow, short hall and approached one of the windows that faced the courtyard. I stared up at Hawke, and everything about him said that it was, in fact, a genuine inquiry. “I can’t believe you’d ask that.”

“Why?” He came to stand behind me.

“Because I couldn’t do that,” I told him. “I wouldn’t.”

“It seems to me that this honor that has been bestowed upon you comes with very few benefits. You’re not allowed to show your face or travel anywhere outside the castle grounds. You didn’t even seem all that surprised when the Priestess moved to strike you. That leads me to believe it’s something fairly common,” he said, his brows dark slashes above his eyes. “You are not allowed to speak to most, and you are not to be spoken to. You’re caged in your room most of the day, your freedom restricted. All the rights others have are privileges for you, rewards that seem impossible for you to earn.”

I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. He’d pointed out all that I didn’t have, and made it so painfully clear. I looked away.

“So, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did try to escape this honor,” he finished.

“Would you stop me if I did?” I asked.

“Would Vikter?”

I frowned, not even sure I wanted to know why he’d asked that, but I answered honestly anyway. “I know Vikter cares about me. He’s like…he’s like I imagine my father would have been if he were still alive. And I’m like Vikter’s daughter, who never got to take a breath. But he would stop me.”

Hawke said nothing.

“So, would you?” I repeated.

“I think I would be too curious to find out exactly how you pla

I coughed out a short laugh. “You know, I actually believe that.”

“Will she report you to the Duke?” he asked after a moment.

Pressure settled on my chest as I looked at him. He was staring out the window. “Why would you ask?”

“Will she?” he asked instead.

“Probably not,” I said, lying all too easily. The Priestess probably went straight to the Duke. “She’s too busy with the Rite. Everyone is.” As the Duke would be, so I might get lucky and at least have a delay between now and when I would inevitably be summoned. Hopefully, that meant that Hawke would also get lucky. If he were removed from his post, it was unlikely that I would ever see him again.

The sadness that thought brought forth meant that it was far past time to change the subject. “I’ve never been to a Rite.”

“And you’ve never snuck into one?”

I dipped my chin. “I’m offended that you’d even suggest such a thing.”

He chuckled. “How bizarre that I could think that you, who has a history of misbehaving, would do such a thing.”

I gri

“You haven’t missed much, to be honest. There’s a lot of talking, a bunch of tears, and too much drinking.” His gaze slid to mine. “It’s after the Rite where things can get…interesting. You know how it is.”

“I don’t know,” I reminded him, even though I had an idea of what he spoke of. Tawny had told me that once the ritual of the Rite was completed, and the Mistresses and stewards took the new Ladies and Lords in Wait, and the Priests left with the third daughters and sons, the celebration changed. It became more…frantic and raw. Or at least that was what I’d interpreted from Tawny, but it seemed too bizarre to imagine the Ascended being involved in anything like that. They were always so…cold.

“But you know how easy it is to be yourself when you wear a mask.” His voice was low as his gaze held mine. “How anything you want becomes achievable when you can pretend that no one knows who you are.”

Warmth infused my cheeks. Yes, I did know that, and how kind of him to remind me. “You shouldn’t bring that up.”

His head tilted. “No one is close enough to overhear.”

“That doesn’t matter. You…we shouldn’t talk about that.”

“Ever?”

I started to say yes, but something stopped me. I pulled my gaze from his. Outside the window, the violet-hued butterfly bushes stirred softly in the breeze.

Hawke was quiet for several moments before asking, “Would you like to go back to your room?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Not particularly.”

“Would you like to go out there instead?”

“You think it would be safe?”

“Between you and me, I would think so.”

The corners of my lips lifted. I liked that he’d included me, acknowledging that I could hold my own. “I used to love the courtyard. It was the one place where, I don’t know, my mind was quiet, and I could just be. I didn’t think or worry…about anything. I found it so very peaceful.”

“But not anymore?”

“No,” I whispered. “Not anymore. It’s strange how no one speaks of Rylan or Malessa. It’s almost as if they never existed.”

“Sometimes remembering those who died means facing your own mortality,” he said.

“Do you think the Ascended are uncomfortable with the idea of death?”

“Even them,” he answered. “They may be godlike, but they can be killed. They can die.”

Neither of us spoke for several minutes as servants and others passed behind us. Several Ladies in Wait had stopped and pretended to take in the view of the garden while talking about the Rite, but I knew they were lingering near where we stood not because of the stu

“Are you excited about attending the Rite?”

“I am curious,” I admitted. The Rite was only two days away.

“I’m curious to see you.”

My lips parted on a soft inhale. I didn’t dare look at him. If I did, I feared I’d do something incredibly stupid. Something that the first Maiden could’ve done that had made the Duchess feel that she was unworthy.

“You’ll be unveiled.”

“Yes.” I also wouldn’t be expected to wear the color white. It would almost be like going to the Red Pearl because I would be able to blend in, and no one would know who I was—what I was. “But I will be masked.”

“I prefer that version of you,” he said.

“The masked version of myself?” I asked, guessing that he was thinking of our time at the Red Pearl.

“Honest?” His voice sounded closer, and when I took another deep breath, the scent of leather and pine surrounded me. “I prefer the version of you that wears no mask or veil.”

I opened my mouth, but as was becoming commonplace where Hawke was concerned, I didn’t know what to say. It felt like I should discourage such statements, but those words wouldn’t come to the surface either, just as they hadn’t before.

So, I did the only thing I could think of. I changed the subject. “I remember you said your father was a farmer.” I cleared my throat. “Do you have any other siblings? Any Lords in Wait in the family? A sister? Or…” I rambled on. “There’s only Ian for me—I mean, I only have one brother. I’m excited to see him again. I miss him.”