Malum

Tillie

I wake the next morning to the scent of cedar, leather, and soap surrounding me, with familiar tattooed arms and a hand possessively wrapped around my upper thigh. Nate has me curled into his chest like a baby. I slowly inch up until I see his face tilted back, asleep with his hoodie completely covering his eyes and nose. I slowly wrench myself out of his grip, before my eyes come to everyone who was asleep in here last night awake and watching us.

I divert my gaze and slip off his lap quickly, no longer scared to wake him.

Madison is crying again.

I rake my fingers through my hair and grab the almost empty bottle of Jack that’s on the floor, taking a sip.

“Leave it alone.”

They all stay silent. I slowly stumble my way into the kitchen. I know that I should tidy myself up, but why. What’s the point of putting makeup on if my grief is just going to wash it off. There is one thing I want to tackle before the burial. I need to box up her belongings and I’d rather do it sooner than later. Like ripping off a band-aid, only so I can spill my blood all over the floor for everyone else to see.

Elena comes into the kitchen. “Hi, honey. Would you like some coffee?”

I shake my head, my fingers clenching around the bottle.

Her eyes find the movement, but she offers me a small smile instead of judgment. “Very well.”

“I was hoping to box up her belongings today if that’s okay. If I’m going to be out of here by tomorrow, I’d like to get this part out of the way now. While I’m feeling brave enough to do it, at least. I know after today I won’t be feeling very brave.”

Elena pauses, her eyes are rimmed bright red and the dark circles that are indented under them have intensified. “You don’t have to leave, Tillie. You will always be family.”

“I appreciate all that you have done for M—us. I do. Thank you. But there’s no need for me to be here anymore.” I know I have no family. Nowhere to live. I leave that out though because despite it all, I know what I have to do. I also know that what I’m about to do is going to change the course of the way things go from here on out.

Elena doesn’t fight it. She nods and carries on, off to find the boxes I need. Once she’s gone, I shove my phone into my back pocket, push my hair into a high messy ponytail and tread my way over to the pool house.

I stop at the bottom of the steps. My heart pounding in my chest. Good to know it’s still there.

Slowly, I take the steps up until I’m face-to-face with the front door. My hand comes to the handle and I twist it open, stepping inside and flicking on the lights.

I suck in a breath and hold it in.

One.

My eyes fly around the room. The room that still has the i

Five. I let out my breath at five, taking a step backward. It is interfered with when I crash into a hard body.

Spi

“I hate you. I fucking hate you, Tillie. But I’m going to be here for you until she’s gone because I know that this is about her right now.” He side-steps around me, entering the bedroom. “I’m not doing this alone.”

I don’t want him to. Even though I don’t understand why he hates me so much right now—even more than before—I enter the room and slam the door shut behind myself. He hits the sound dock on and scrolls through his phone until a random song starts playing. He turns it up. Loud. The walls shaking from the music, then he takes his hoodie off and starts picking up all of her stuff in the room.

I understand why he put the music on so loud. It’s to drown out our emotions so we can do what we need to do. I appreciate it. I exhale a shaky breath and get started on cleaning up the blood. Once that’s done, I start folding her blankets from her crib, the tears falling down my face now a constant waterfall. They don’t stop. “Lost in Paradise” by Evanescence starts playing and I have to fight the urge to change the song. I quickly fold the blankets up and put them in a box and then start taking the crib down while Nate rummages around the room in speeds so fast I barely catch what he’s doing.

Two hours later, everything that meant something to me is packed away in insignificant boxes. That’s all I have left of my daughter.

“Have a shower. We’re leaving here in forty minutes.”

I go to say that I don’t want one—that I don’t care. Instead, I walk straight for the bathroom, slipping in and out of the shower when a silver bracelet on the floor catches my eye. It’s the one Nate bought for her on our family day. It was supposed to be the first of many. I take the bracelet and squeeze it in my fist, my eyes coming to the mirror. I’ll keep this forever. It will be the anchor I use to remember who I used to be.

The drive to the cemetery was long because the Malum plot of land is on the other side of New York. I didn’t ask why she was going to Malum and not Riverside. I figured Nate is doing what he thinks he needs to do and if it was Riverside, then it would be Riverside. The line of cars is a little excessive. I’m pretty sure I had never met these people before, but again, Nate probably had. Who knew, The Elite Kings Club have hearts.

I climb out of the back of the car, Nate, his mom, Madison’s dad, and Madison were in and start walking straight for the pit.

I need this day over with. I ca

I stand the closest to the empty pit and wait.

And wait.

People eventually crowd around, and the casket is finally sitting on the top of silver poles. I watch, zoning everyone else out as it slowly lowers into the ground while the minister sputters off lines from the fucking Bible. Since she has gone, I feel like I’ve died one-thousand deaths, only every time I die, I wake up and she’s still not here. I pick up a tulip and press my lips to the smooth petals before throwing it down.

“Mama loves you, baby girl. Forever and for always.”

I turn and walk away. I’ll wait for them in the car.

I wait for an hour before Nate and his family start coming back. He’s wearing a suit fit for a king. I giggle to myself at my thoughts. King. Tailored to fit every single inch of him perfectly, and a pink tie.

Pink. Her favorite color. Well, at least I assumed it was. Nate joked once about it because she would always grab my hair.

I take another sip of whiskey as the doors to the limo all open.

Everyone slides in, but it’s a blur. I’m hot, sweaty and bothered. Everything aches. I’m sick of being in pain. I want my daughter back in my arms. The thoughts are crippling. I slam my eyes closed and bring the rim of the bottle to my mouth, taking large gulps.

Elena sits beside me on one side and Nate sits beside Madison opposite us. I don’t look at him because I can’t. The drive home is far longer than the drive there and every single mile feels like the air is being extracted out of the car.