The Confusion

"But perhaps they are the last remnants of a whole Regiment."

"I believe I will be safe in their hands," Jack said.

"THAT'S FOR ME MUM!" said the one.

"She's me mum, too, give 'im another!"

A large, bleeding fist filled most of Jack's visual field, getting rapidly bigger. Then lights flashed and a loud popping noise went off in the base of his skull.

"You can do be'er'n that, Jimmy!" said one, shoving the other aside. "Let me show you—now, how's about that! An' that! For our sainted mum!"

Suddenly they got six feet taller—either that, or Jack's head was resting on the ground. The one called Jimmy wound up for a kick.

"That is for mayakin' it neces'ry for us to travel all the way out to the butt o' the world to beat the bejesus out o' ye!"

Enoch hovered nervously in the background encouraging them to stop, or at least slow down—but they were having none of it.

"That is for bein' a friggin' shite-head!"

"Can you be more specific?" Jack said (he had found that a bit of levity sometimes worked wonders in these situations). But the words came out all a-mumble, for his lips stuck together whenever they got near each other—and they'd ballooned to the point where they were always near each other. But somehow the one named Jimmy understood, and went wide-eyed.

"Oh, you want specificity!? Da

Jack got up on all fours, then staggered to his feet. Being on the ground only tempted them to kick him, and that was worse, in the long run, than being punched.

"That is specifically for tayakin' up with another lady when the urth on Mum's grayave hadn't even been tamped down yet!"

"That is specifically for tradin' in yer French jools on a shite-load o' malarkey!"

Jack tumbled backwards into a stand of bamboo, and Jimmy and Da

"Powers o' Darkness!" Jack exclaimed, focusing his one eye that hadn't swollen shut on a point in the middle distance. "I do believe that elephant is fookin' that camel up the arse—or is it t'other way round?"

Jimmy and Da

Stillness descended on the scene, save for the twittering of exotic birds and the groaning of the two lads.

"Enoch, if you could just keep an eye out for snakes, stranglers, and hordes whilst I give my boys a brief talking to."

"Glad to—but please do be brief."

"Now, Jimmy and Da

Da

"Go if you must," Jack said, "but if you can bring yourselves to stay for a little while, I believe I can offer you transportation."

"SHAHJAHANABAD IS A BASKET of asps," Jack remarked the next day, as they were all riding through some wooded hills in the southeastern quarter of his domain. "Most of the Mogul's omerah s go there and become entangled with the intrigues and doings of other omerah s, not to mention diverse courtiers, concubines, eunuchs, Banyans of the sodagar and the katari class, Brahmins and Fakirs of diverse Hindoo sects, spies and intriguers from wild 'stans to the Northwest, the agents of the French, Dutch, and English East India Companies, and anyone else who just happens to be hanging around. Aurangzeb has a great palace there, which he stole from his pa and his brothers. So you see, lads, you're not the first men to violate the Fourth Commandment in Hindoostan—"

" ‘Remember the Sabbath?' " quoth Jimmy, incredulous.

"Beg your pardon, I must've meant the Seventh."

" ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery?' " said Jimmy and Da

"I can see the Papists have left their mark on you lads—again, my fault."

"His Royal Highness meant to say the Fifth—honor thy father and mother," hollered Enoch Root—who, along with Surendranath, had been dropping farther and farther behind them, but who was still within earshot.

Da

"Well, now that you've settled it," said Jack, pointing to various large swellings on his face, "shut up, because I'm trying to educate you. Before we embarked on theologickal disputations, I was talking about the Palace of the Great Mogul in Shahjahanabad, outside Delhi. It rises above the flood plain of a river, and on that plain, the Great Mogul stages mock-battles between armies of hundreds of elephants, and as many horse and camel. The expense, for elephant-feed alone, is damnable."

"Let's go! I ha' to see it!" exclaimed Jimmy, all starry-faced.

"Doahn't be such a shite-for-brayans!" said Da

"I can perceive it as clearly as your ugly fayace! But I ha'n't rode all this friggin' way to beat up Dad an' then go hoahm! I'd not be above seein' a wee sahmple of Oriental decadence afore I leave—assoomin' that'd be all right wi' ye, Parson Brown."

"You'll see Oriental decadence and then some, if you'll only shut up—but you won't see it in my kingdom. Because the point I was leading up to is as follows. Among those omerah s is a fair sprinkling of Christian artillerymen—renegadoes and Vagabond soldiers from the armies of King Looie and the Holy Roman Emperor. Aurangzeb needs 'em, you see, because they've mastered the al-jebr, which is a sort of mathematickal sorcery that we had the good sense to steal from the Arabs. And by wielding this al-jebr they can predict where ca